Time to get serious.

"You had no problem sitting down in with _______ when you barely knew him at all
and you're nervous around him now that you've gotten to know him."

That's because I'm a teenage girl with the biggest crush on this boy!

I can't help it. Argh. Typical Nhi.

DO NOT tell me that you love me.

Please....

that's so evil.

Ha.

So don't do it.

:X

Not the "L" word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

=]

That is all.

I don't tell people that I like them often, because I usually don't like people.

aklwejfa;lefkja;ef

I'm glad I've found people I like.

:)

I'm a heartbreaker. :(

I just wanna tell people I like...

"You're lucky you met me."

Isn't that awful? Why do I feel like they should be thankful they met me?

:(

I'm an awful person! Ha.

But really, be glad you know me and that I like you.... =/

All I can think about in my head is

"I'm not your girlfriend, yet... I'm not your girlfriend, yet. Please don't call me your girlfriend."

So yeah.

I'm so weird.

TYPICAL NHI. TYPICAL GIRL.

I just.... want to have fun

and then fall in love

and still have fun

and be weird

because I can't think that far in the future. I'm going to Spain in two months!
:X

That's pretty soon, right?

Blah.

I love you all. <3

Mm....

Great.

I found another boy

and I bet you

that he's going to be just like Tommy.

We'll see how this turns out.

I love life now though. <3

Yay.

"Nhi, why do you like all the nasty boys? Why don't you go out with the hot ones who are clean-cut and handsome?"

"I just like boys in general..... preferably the ones who will talk to me and don't mind my silence."

"What about _________? I would be so jealous if you went out with him."

"He's too popular."

"What?"

"I don't know. Maybe later."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I should just say that I love life and leave it at that.

Me

So there I was... alone.

Sitting at a table in Chick-Fil-A, I was eating my nasty chicken biscuit with hashbrowns and orange juice. Earlier I had convinced myself that eating breakfast would significantly improve my test taking abilities since I had procrastinated on studying last night. And here I am now in the Student Union still procrastinating!

But let me return to my story.

I was hoping I would meet up with a friend by coincidence, maybe I should call/text someone? I do hate eating alone. As I was slowly munching on my food, unusual fantasies and thoughts began entering my mind. What were some ways I could earn an A? Also, it'd be weird if Michael came in and I found that he wasn't really a vegetarian. Ali is a vegetarian, but he comes here for the milkshakes.

I don't know, my mind was just wandering around.

Then, I thought of Jon and how we had briefly mentioned that luck is relative.

All of a sudden, I had an epiphany

Everything in life is relative...

Yeah, sure, this may not seem like a mind-blowing idea or like an incredibly useful thought

but it made me feel different.

EVERYTHING... is relative.

Even time!

Space.

Math.

Language.

Love.

Everything...

In my 18 year old mind, I saw that I had suddenly grown just a wee bit wiser.

What am I going to do with this knowledge?

I'm not sure, yet.

I'm sure it'll help me understand people more though.

And to think, I suddenly just feel more thoughtful after feeling sorry for myself eating a chicken biscuit.

Dammit, that's $6 I spent that could have been used for I don't know... two gallons of gas.

I really like driving around, okie?

Everyone I like lives so far, or maybe it's just because I'm in Bithlo. T_T

Er. So yeah....

Wish me luck on my Java exam!!! <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I've been gone from the Internet for the past two days.

It's only been two days!

I haven't tweeted nor Facebooked.

People noticed... quickly too!

I received several texts the day I deactivated my Facebook as well as IMs and e-mails.

I feel special.

They noticed.

God, I am just some messed up kid!

I do not want to be the average teenage girl. Ha.

Me and my random stuff.

I haven't figured out what to do next...

I'm sure that doing things on a whim will get me in trouble one day.

Planning ahead further just seems to scare me because I know in the end that plans never work

They haven't for me at least.

Time to disappear.

*poof!*

I've only learned from the best...

Will you go out with me now?

I know the difference between they're, their and there...

Watch.

They're going to their dance over there, the Key West Ballroom.

*le sigh*

What do you need to know about me?

I don't smoke
I don't drink
I have 20/20 vision
My IQ is 161
I'm 5'3"
135lbs
Hair is black
I'm Vietnamese
Majoring in Chemistry
I'm 18
I'm a Leo born in the year of the rooster
I'm confused about religion
I can't run farther than a quarter mile
My waist is 28in and hips 38in.
34B
Shoe size 7.5
Ring size 7
Eye color brown
I'm kind of allergic to soy

I don't know.... what else do you need to know? Huh?

I can't seem to think farther ahead than the next week
Asking about marriage or kids will REALLY freak me out
You laugh, but it's happened quite often

I have a bit of self-control
I'm not clingy unless you ask for it

I'm not the kind of girl who's going to text you everyday
Or IM you every time you're online
Unless you want me to

Because I like to make things balanced, you know?
I keep in mind the number of times I'm contacted first in my head

It's only fair.
I like fairness.

People say that life's not fair, but I've always told myself that you can make it that way.

Fairness is all relative, you've got to do what you can to make it work out for you.

I'm going to rule the world one day....

but I'll try to in a way that'll save it. Ha.

It's such an evil plan now for some reason, hopefully when I grow older and wiser this strategem for fairness may immensely improve.

Remember when I used to...?

I miss talking to someone on the phone at night about random things without feeling nervous or awkward. I wonder when this will happen again.

Forever a girlfriend

I don't know if I've told you or not, but I really don't have friends.

Everyone goes away from me... They always do.

But there are many kind folk who'll spare me their time and attention.
I appreciate them very much so because I usually do not have the time nor patience to maintain a regular relationship with anyone.

That is all.

I can only list a few friends who have been lucky enough to somewhat keep in touch with me.

Actually, just one. Ali.

But at least Rebecca is always there for me.

I think Nick is becoming my friend too. We'll see. I doubt it though because he likes me.

A friendboy?...

So there's this guy I met last week or so who's so absolutely adorable.
He's the sweetest guy ever! He cooks for me, helps me play Magic, we study together, we have lunch.... blah, blah, blah. I swear he's in love with me now or something. Why else would he be so kind?

I love him to death, but for some reason I feel no emotional attachment to him.
As if I can live with or without him, I don't really care.

But yet I do love him. I really do!

How is this possible

For me to love someone that I can easily do without?

Damn harmonicas

Hello, world...

Dear diary

whatever.

I really want to get over this boy who screwed me over, but not really
I'm just madly in love with him and he's kind of made me think very similarly to him
He was lucky he met me when I first gained a bit of freedom as a freshman in college.
I had just turned 17... he was just 20-something....

Ha.

Um.

But yeah, he was so different, of course I fell madly in love.
It's not fair that after he's been gone for over four months I still think about him.
I keep hoping he'll come back.
I keep hoping that he loves me.

What a waste of my time!

He has not taken anything particularly valuable from me, besides some time I guess.
But it was well worth it.

He's plaguing my mind.

If I were to find a new boyfriend now, I would leave the new kid in a split-second for him.

I don't want that to happen. I just wanna move on.

I'm mad at him now... for some stupid reason, but not really.
I'm mad that he's taking up so much of my time even now when he's not here......

Funny how I only hung out with him for maybe a month and a half
We weren't even dating or anything.

How is this possible?

I was going out with my ex for four entire years and I don't even think back to him. At all.

~~~~~~~~~~

My little artist

I know I never seem to have time for friends, but I'm going to do everything I can to see Adeline because I love her for some reason. She makes me feel sane.

I have the biggest crush on you.

*giggles*

I love being an 18 year old Asian girl in America.

Feels good, man.

I'm totally happy and healthy!

I'm going to kill the next person who wakes me up before 11...

Don't text me so goddamn early**. And don't call me because I'll be too nervous to talk on the phone anyway unless you're doing so to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Bwahaha, but I'll probably be too tired to understand anyway.

I'm so angry!

I'm usually awake from 11AM to 3AM though.

**You may be my only exception to this.

I hate you, but I don't want you to stop loving me.

I'm delusional and like to imagine that our very slight and brief disagreements that mean nothing whatsoever are actual arguments

and that we're just a regular couple fighting

Then, we'll get over it because we realize that we're both really understanding

we just need to get over ourselves

and we'll go back to our crazy, unhealthy and almost nonexistent relationship

because we're not even together

we don't even talk...

everything's in the past now

but I keep on hoping.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Too soon to reveal my crazy card?

I'm sure it'll be fixed. I know it can be.

I mean, I'm only 18.

I just had the most awful thought today!!!!!!

I was looking through Facebook

when I noticed a picture of a girl with her boyfriend

and I thought to myself

"I'd rather be alone now and pretty than be ugly like her with an ugly boyfriend."

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!!?

That's just so mean...

I am just an awful person

and I keep getting worse and worse by the day.

What is wrong with me?

:(

All my blog posts recently have been quotes from all the new guys I've been meeting.


I am the epitome of a teenage girl with self-esteem issues.

-_______-;;

This needs to be fixed.

People seem to ask me to tell them stories a lot

So I've attended 24 different schools........

"24 different schools?
twenty-four?
and she tells me she doesn't have a story -.-
i can't believe someone bumping into you the other day was all you could come up with
hahaha"

I went out to lunch with him the other day and he was asking me to tell him stories about my life. I told him how I was singing that day and randomly stopped in the hall just to have a cute guy walk into me. Idk, that's pretty embarrassing... having a cute guy listening to an awful rendition of Phantom of the Opera.

What somene's said about me

"i'm not sure why you think you're annoying. you're quiet, which is at odds with the very idea of being annoying in most instances. i suppose you have the capacity to be annoying, through being hard to talk to (i quite like talking to you, so i'm just thinking of your natura friend)

but maybe i misunderstand?

as far as crazy goes ... yeah, maybe a little bit.

i mean, you're not like everybody else, and thats good in some ways, maybe not so good in others. you're not completely nuts, by any stretch, but maybe a little cracked, yeah

i'd guess that a lot of that has more to do with your perspective on the world as a shy, sheltered nerd mixed with your hyper-awareness about your youth/inexperience/naivete/what-have-you

not that i think you're especially naive, but i wouldn't put it past you to think that

and evil?

well

as far as the tender hearts of the great many men that you will no doubt tear asunder -- and i know you know what you're doing:
(12:41:26 AM) n*****: You're lucky I like you so much U.U
(12:41:38 AM) Hanh-Nhi Pham: I know I am

maybe a little evil streak

but aside from that, you seem basically good

and as far as me being the one 'sticking around'

that leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

**me: Sorry, I don't know how you can stand me. I don't really have friends.

Why would I not be able to stand you?

you can skip over the obvious bit about my feelings for you and assume that i have none, even though you know better by now :P"

It's funny and sad to know that there's a guy who really likes me even though all I do is talk to him about the guys in my life.

He seems so determined and persistent.

I wonder if he opinion of me is really skewed, because I really don't see myself as that great and worth so much trouble/pain....

Actually, I am.

I know I'm vain.

I just don't want to see him get hurt.

Argh.

I don't want to see anyone get hurt!!!

Which is why breaking up is the most difficult thing in the world.

Luckily for me, I have never had to do that. o_o

Then again, I've only had one boyfriend. Ha.

I think I just realized that there's no way I could get myself to break up with someone.

It's really, really difficult.

:(

We're not even in a relationship, yet?!!? I have no idea what to do. AhHHHHHhhhHHHHHhhhhhH.

I should ask my little hipster sister for help. She's a heartbreaker.

I wish I had more practice with relationships in high school. Only ever having one boyfriend kinda makes me feel so unprepared... I have no idea what to do, and I'm already super awkward! Argh!

And why am I so shallow now??

I have a lot of guys in my computer and science classes asking me out, but I'm not interested. T~T

And there are so many sweet guys out there....

And I love the guys who ask for my number when I'm randomly shopping, pouring gas, studying or whatever.

I don't want to be shallow

but I mean...

I think I deserve a cute guy.

My life is awkward in general, but I'll change that. Eventually....

but let me not tell you something

except that I had a weird day today that kept me laughing.

Oh well.

Also,

I feel like I'm living in a TV show

about some nerdy, teenage Asian girl...

just like a TV show.

It's pretty funny.

I'd watch it.

Yeah....... you can go out with the guys I rejected...... why are you even asking me? Bwahahahahah. We're not even friends. xD

I have the biggest crush on you. Ha.

Alright, it's not that horrible....

but I still like you, alot. http://i.imgur.com/0pwlt.png

Just kidding, but seriously now, I still like you a lot.






LOTS OF COMMAS BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHEN TO USE THEM. Only for my intentional pauses do I ever use them. I will forever be upset at my score of 590 on my Reading SAT and 800 on Math.

I'll probably complain often that Vietnamese is much easier too, if you haven't noticed... haha.

Oh..... my vanity! I've been hearing good things about myself ever since I gained some confidence last year.

"You're obviously really beautiful, and remarkably intelligent, and you're clearly destined for success -- and all of those things are really appealing -- but, honestly, those qualities alone aren't so hard to find. It's your attitude towards life and your desire to learn new things and have new experiences and meet new people, and the way you can sit beneath a tree and enjoy being read to without a hint of irony or disdain, and that imperceptible aspect of your demeanor that seems awkward at first but leaves me feeling calm."

It's funny to think that this is almost exactly what every other guy I've hung out with has said about me.

I'm a good person inside, I really am.

I mean, I'm going to save the world. I keep telling you that and I will until you believe me

which then cancels out vanity as a bad trait. =p

You can't save the world unless you think (or in my case know) you can.

Guys tell me what I wanna hear

This is another pretty good line. They're all so corny though and I'm just a romantic.

"I wasn't really looking to rush into a relationship anyway, but I didn't know I'd meet someone like you"

MmmMmM.... boys.

I'm pretty sure that my biggest weakness is being taught something.

I really love learning that much... hahaha

Ugh!!!

If he can explain something new to me well I bet you I'd be hooked.

Oh, and thank God I haven't met a British guy here.

I'd be done for.

You don't understand how hard I've steered clear of them!!!

Also, a random Facebook note I wrote.

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150186666597672

*sighhh* I'm at that point in my geeky girl life where all I want to do is catch up on Doctor Who, play Magic and cuddle.

When will I get out of this phase?!

Was reading some girl's blog about her sexcapades or whatever.

She sounds like she's having fun in life and enjoying everything

Sometimes... I just wonder, you know?

I have no idea about so many new things, my knowledge and understanding of other people's perspectives is so limited...

17 years of a super sheltered life

one year in college so far

I saw pot for the first time only a few months ago!

ha

and went to my first party, which was reallyyyyyy chill

I went on my first slip and slide at that party

I still haven't attended a sleepover yet

Hm.

I just keep thinking about all of this

and I'm slightly worried about how I'll abuse my freedom when I'm in Spain

I know I'm gullible and naive, but I'm just going to jump out there for a split second

Wonder what I'll learn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funny how this blog started off with me wondering what it'd be like to be a person who has a lot of meaningless sex.

I don't even know if I'll like it

I wonder what relationship would be like

I know I'm writing a lot today...

but goodness

DEPENDENT PEOPLE BOTHER ME SO MUCH!!!!!!!

That is all.

I keep hearing good lines!

Every boy I meet is just too experienced for me... haha

This is about my awkwardness when meeting people for the first time...

"Guy: when we met i definitely felt out of my element a little, in part because of your quietness.
at the time i was disappointed that there wasn't more chemistry; i guess i'm still a little disappointed about that...
but afterwards, and since then, i've been totally confident that we'll get along wonderfully next time!
maybe a little LESS confident after two weeks without seeing you...
but still

I felt like a fool when we parted ways, but something about your demeanor is kind of comforting to me... It makes me determined to get to know you.

me: This makes me really happy. You're one of the few who's willing to push through my shyness. Ha

Guy: I'm glad! I mean it."

I'm just posting conversations I have with friends...

Me: Yeah, I will have more free time.

Nick: which i fully intend to take advantage of if you'll have me. we should talk about this weekend. haha.

Me: Well, I plan on being really busy.... >_< We'll have to see what happens

Nick: fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
my frail heart !

Nick: after this conversation i obviously have no more delusions about my own chances at winning you over haha
but i still insist on your company

Me; Good, because I'm not that awful to hang out with

Nick: hahaha who said you were awful to hang out with?

Me: No one. I'm just really quiet and awkward is all. That usually makes the people I hang out with feel uncomfortable because I seem bored and uninterested, but I just generally act like that. I'm perfectly fine and mostly happy just to be out of the house, otherwise I'd let people know I want to do something else because I don't enjoy wasting my precious time...

I've got to save the world before I get too old.

It sucks that I care so much about other people's emotions.

I really do care though. Why else would I want to save the world?

So I was telling a friend

that he's the third guy I've kissed with consent. Ha.

Isn't that such a weird thing to say? It makes me feel innocent and gross at the same time!

Frank: Hey, I want to be the 4th or at least 5th!

~~~~

Also, I'm leaving for Spain in about two months.

Not sure how many times I've mentioned this.

~~~~

There's this really sweet guy who's stalking me and I feel quite flattered.
He's not going to give up because he really likes me.

You hear that, guys??

I'm likable!!!

~~~~

And I never had a chance to go out with my crush. I say it's because I'm unable to fit into his fast-paced and career-focused life. My little sister says it's just because he doesn't like me and that I'm in denial.

That's not true!!! He likes me. :(
~~~~

I smell nice.
Guys tell me all the time!

I only started noticing it when I went out with this one guy
and I made him happy just laying down with him.
He'd hold onto me and smell my hair
then everything was just so peaceful. Ha

Best five or so weeks of my life.

Also, another quote from Frank.

Me: Haha, I always smell nice!
Frank: I love that. There is something about girls when they smell nice. It's weird. It makes a guy feel peaceful. I think it's because guys have to deal with the garbage of the world a lot, and we are naturally more aggressive than women... but then you smell a girl and it's very calming. I love it. It's like we're being reminded about beauty in the world. It's not all war and thieves and stuff.

You are too good at ignoring me, sir

and that is why you blow every other boy out the the water

ha

Ugh.

I'm windowed.

.......................................

Dammit, why must I be an 18 year old girl?!?!?!

I wonder how long a girl can remain innocent before it's seen as an unwanted quality...

24ish? Maybe?

That would seem too old.

Maybe 23 max.

I'm not sure, I haven' nothing to worry about now. I'm only 18 and only have been this old for a month.

I found this poem I wrote a long time ago

I e-mailed it to myself of July 7, 2010. I think I was cleaning out my computer or something. I don't know. It's so cute and simple, too simple for my satisfaction though. Tell me what you think.

Oh dear, I love him a lot.
He's just sleeping like a child,
You forget that he's wild.

Look, how cute!
He smiles while he dreams
But you know, nothing is as it seems

My darling wants to take control
But honey, that's not how I roll.

Just give me a hug and kiss,
And never look into the abyss,
Which is my heart by the way.

For some reason I'm always sad
And wishfully thinking for stuff I've never had

Glancing though the window are children
With their stupid ice cream just chillen

I give up, too much stress
And I thought all I needed was rest

Rhyme
Time
Slime
Grime
Dime
Lime
Chime
Crime

I feel bad.

I really liked him too. He's not ugly either. :(

But I seemed less awkward tonights than before. And this guy noticed the moles on my lips and was really nice. I don't know! Ha.

Oh well, I'm going to miss the first guy.

Oh, I'm going to get in so much trou-

OH!

Wait a minute

I'm 18.

Ha.

Now what?

Man, I totally meant to write about my date on my laptop and blog about it

it was so happy, fun and cute too. God

I don't think I've EVER had a nice date like that

:)

I will definitely reminisce and describe it tomorrow :)

I'm sorry that I disgust you.

This saddens me so much... you wouldn't even believe.

But I feel like it's the best way I could save the world.

I'm sorry

maybe you're right

maybe in the end I'll be the evil one after all

I'm sorry

So today I went on a really good date

I'd be surprised if he didn't want to see me again

ha

ha

ha

Man, I am so happy

I did not expect to be so happy

Because the first time I met this guy was awful!!!!!!

al;wekfjal;ejfawef

I will just have to tell you about it later.

Yeah....... <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Also, what the hell am I supposed to do with this number??

I got a guy's phone number today! I think it's my first one. :)

Someone told me that "it's a victory"

;laekjfa;lwkejfl;wejgk;alwkejgalwegjaoiwejwakdl

Hey, I don't get to be a teenage girl for long.

My heart is beating crazily.

Mostly because I'm stressed out.

But let me tell you about something that happened today, briefly.

I was driving home when my annoying little sister begged me for something

so I had to go to this place

where I met my crush

because he works there and somehow I forgot

I probably wasn't thinking because I was upset at my sis

and now I feel like some persistent stalker.

Ha.

And then

I went to the bank

and meet the same bank teller guy

but he's nice and remembers my name

he probably thinks I'm stalking him too!

So two coincidences in one day

is kind of making me feel weird and embarrassed.

AHAHAHAHAHA.

Whatever.

I got my plane ticket for $850. Not bad, right??

TELL ME IT'S NOT BAD.

I hate Delta.

You make me stressed out.

Guys who go out with me and want to support me make me so lazy..............

It's a nice feeling though.

It also feels nice to be in control

You know, with your money, grades... whatever

:)

It was less than $800 for my ticket to Spain.

I'm so excited I want to throw up

Yeah, I know that's disgusting

I'm just... ugh, my heart

I don't even know what to do in Barcelona

I have no plans whatsoever

I hate the repetition of I's in this entry..........

Don't you love it when a guy knows just what to say? Lately everyone has been telling me awesome things about myself. It's all getting to my head. Ahhhhhhhh. But yeah.

"I like you. You're smart. You have a good heart. You know about string theory...

I'm impressed."

Totally made my day.

Hey there, I'm very likable, so you should get to know me!!!!!!!!

Also, I am so busy.

And popular.

And this doesn't feel right, not at all.

I wonder if I should just stay at home and study like the nerd I am...

I am so happy all the time...

Grawr. <3

I'm such a mess.

I don't remember any of my dates. Every time a guy asks me out to lunch, dinner or coffee I tell them I'm free this weekend.

I don't remember much

I think it may be something like

Fri: Julio and Kyle

(Sat reserved for friends and family)

Sun: Jack, Brad, Nick, Jason and idr

Tues: Alex

Wed: Andrew

and then I just realize that I'm an awful person. I should just cancel all of these plans.

Why do I not care about anything anymore?

Well, I care enough to keep me at a distance

But I really want to hope

because I'm dumb

and I feel like a teenage girl

Kind of conflicted, you know?

I should be having fun, I'm just 18.

If I go on a fast track I bet you I'd be out of med school by age 22.

But I'm taking my time and I'll still be ahead

cause life is good.

Okie, I'll stop worrying now.

People keep telling me I'm a pretty girl, so I believe it.

I'm much braver at night... where I just do things on a whim and won't have to face any consequences until the morning.

Wish me luck

with everything in life.

Like love,

especially love.

And happiness.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

"I haven't touched a girl in four years, but you make me want to. Lately I keep trying to push away women, but you're different..."

I feel flattered, creeped out and scared at the same time.

Do you ever feel that every guy's the same?

HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Being nerdy turned this guy off

:(

But that's okie

I can find someone else!

But yeah... not sure how I feel about this.

Seriously, who knew I was going to be like one of those nerds in TV shows? D:

Nice. Someone I actually like just asked me to hang out with him.

I have hope!

But the thing is... he wants me to play ultimate frisbee

and I'm pretty sure the only time I've ever touched a frisbee
was at UCF during the day Ali, Shane, Adam and I had a picnic.

Bwahahaha.

Oh well.

Also, it's on a Tuesday night.

:(

That's when I usually go to Taste Comedy...

T~T

I guess I shall sacrifice this one Tuesday to give this thing a shot.

Besides, we've all got plenty of time.

Wish me luck! <3

So I was alone

9:30AM and I just dropped off my sister at her college algebra class. As I'm driving alone in search of parking, I feel fine. I don't even notice a void that needs to be filled with company, because of course, at this particular instance I don't need anyone. Duh.

Ha, so anyway, I eventually find a spot on the third floor after circling the first and second floor. I dread the stairs oh so much. After shutting off the engine I realized that my lil sister had left her 7-up in the car, opened and still cold.

*sllllllup* Soda doesn't taste as good as it used to. I pick up the can to throw away.

So there I was, slowly walking with my green/blue backpack humming a Cage the Elephant song because their CD has been playing in my car for the last week. When I walk I drag my feet often and in the parking garage the sound emitted is enhanced and echoed.

Flopflopflopflopflopflopflop.

I rush down the stairs because I hate them so much, they make me so tired because I'm unhealthy. That's okie, I'm working out now so soon I won't even care.

AHHHHHH. I tripped over my flip flop on the last step, but caught myself which then looked like some awkward dance to the witnesses around me.

The weather is fantastic today, though I wish the sun wouldn't shine so harshly on my face. I should really start wearing sunblock/lotion so my face won't age early. The warmth feels nice though.

Walking down the Washington Center towards the Student Union I noticed Chik-Fil-A and GameStop. Am I hungry? I'm broke, so that's not an option. I decide to rush up to the third floor in order to ignore the rest of the food places. An elevator door just opened, how convenient! As the doors shut guilt crawls in because I remember telling myself I would only take the stairs from now on. It's healthier for me. Oh well, I'll walk on the way down.

There's the old TV room, as I peered through the window I could see lots of Asians as always. I pull open the heavy glass door and walk in, there's my usual group. The two tables the kids sat in looked pretty full so I didn't want to cause an awkward situation by attempting to squeeze in. Instead, I take a single seat with a movable desk attached to the side. It's pretty convenient since it's next to an outlet where I may plug in my laptop.

Nikolay spots me, so I smile.

Quickly I pull out my laptop and plug it in so I have something to do.

After a few minutes of aimlessly browsing the interwebz Lior gets up and walks over to me.

"You know, sitting by yourself isn't going to help you talk to people."
"I know..."
"So how are you doing?"

I smile my conversational, friendly smile and am about to answer when Will notices me.

"Nhi! When did you get here?? Why are you all the way over there?"
"You guys looked pretty crowded over there already, and I needed an outlet."

As Lior is standing next to me Will gets up, walks over and sits into the seat next to me.

After that, Claudel sends me a message on Facebook right away.

"Why are u sitting away from the group this morning? I was there and you belong to the group more then I do."

I look up to see Nikolay staring at me, probably blanking out. It was kind of awkward so I tried to get his attention, smiled and waved.

Eventually everyone left to their classes after the many short small talks. And so I was alone.

Well, I am alone now typing up this entry...

but this made me realize that joining a group of people would have probably been less awkward than sitting alone.

I'll try my best next time. Ha.

Damn you, I've already got my mind on someone

and you're distracting me because you like me

and you happen to be very sweet

plus, you're a tall guy.

Weird how y'all have the same name too

What's going on here?

Well.....

at least it's better to be a cute geek than an ugly one.

I wonder what it's like to be popular and cool

just wondering.

I'm not sure, but I think I've moved on.

God, I am so proud of myself.

Although your dick is nice, I would greatly appreciate it if you stopped texting me pics of it.

Thanks,
Nhi

It's like my 18th birthday all over again.

What the fuck am I going to do

and am I going to do it right?

Ha

because you know...

my 18th birthday really sucked... -_-;;

The Doctor is not real and I will never be with him

On another note, I don't know the future

So maybe I will be able to travel through time and space one day

*le sigh*

Why am I so emotional?!

You know what I just realized even though it's something I always knew (since I was 11)?

I work much better with older guys

I just get along with them better, I don't know why

Kids my age seem to hate me

or they have lately

ha.

By kids I mean guys.

I'm not sure.

Maybe it's because they think they're more mature than they actually are

and act kind of rudely... but I don't know

that's just me and my experiences

because I'm immature too and need to grow up

but at least I know it!

<3

Also,

I'm happy.

I'm very happy. Thank you. <3

I love you.

:)

<3

random maybe

EVERYONE IS CALLING ME "KIDDO" NOW

WHY IS THAT?

EVEN PEOPLE WHO ARE YOUNGER THAN ME

THIS IS WEIRD...

ONLY STARTED WHEN I TURNED 18. Haha.

But yeah...

Actually, Clay called me kiddo first

but I usually call people kiddo

well, just guys actually

but still

it's like a twist!

Lol, fail.

Damn me and my smileys

always appearing to convey all my messages with a slightly more cheerful tone

which led to a misinterpretation of something...

and something something something...

that doesn't matter.

I just thought it was funny.

I'm pretty sure I'd be content living by myself and just really into my work.

I've mentioned this before. Being a cat lady.

God, I love science.

I love you. And I'll post it everywhere too!

I think the whole world really likes me, and if it doesn't... well, it should.

Right now it feels like I have a lot of nice friends

but then I realized...

these are just all guys who like me

and more then likely they'll be gone just like everyone else I haven't shown interest in.

They just leave

after acting so nice. I don't understand.

But thank God, I do have friends.

Even if they're few in number, that's better than being alone...

maybe.

Maybe it's better than being alone, I'm not exactly sure, yet.

Man, I feel like such a bitch.

A guy just sent me a message informing me of how awful I made him feel.
I had no idea I was that bad.
I'm not sure what to think though because this kid doesn't exactly know the whole story, but that's alright.
I don't want to make him feel any worse than I've already had, you know?
I'd rather let him think that I really am that bad and will just move on,
it's not as painful that way.

"What would you do if I kissed you right now?"

"I don't know."

~~~~

:)

Man, my mind is just tripping me out.

So there's this guy with the same name as this one guy

and he's very similar to the first one I knew

and it's weird.

But I'm going to go out on a date with him cause you never know.

Also, it's difficult to keep track of the six Nicks I know. It's like they just came out of nowhere.

English names are silly.

Forever.... alone....

















Just kidding. I know I'll find someone. But I am alone now, and it feels like FOREVER. -_-;;

Yeap. Made my day.

"You're not a kid, know why? KIDS ARE FUCKING STUPID FUCKS."

Dating is such a waste of time! Argh. It's so much easier to wait until you find someone you like right away and someone who likes you back right away and just hang out. That's all.

Dates for me are like...

going out to dinner and talking about the same generic topics over and over and over and over and over again

and it's so awkward having guys sit in front of me and watching me eat

and they're so busy talking that they don't really eat

but come on, I'm hungry. I'm going to eat...

And then the movie dates

where we just sit for maybe two hours not communicating and just staring at a screen

and the guy predictably puts his arms around me

and I'm just sitting there...

Then again, it's probably my fault for accepting all of these dates and wasting my time in hopes that I could learn to like this guy or find something about him that I'll like

Blah

No more accepting dates from guys I don't already like.

Yeap. Yeap. I've got to learn to say no.

I was described as unreal, marvelous and incredible today.

That made me feel really good about myself.

I was also told that I was attractive and cute.

Crazy stuff, these compliments.

I was also told that I'm sweet.

That's good to know!

:)

I'm a great person, aren't I?

..........

Maybe telling everyone asking to hang out with me that I'll be at Austins Sunday night wasn't such a good idea.

I'm sorry that I do not remember any of you

You just did not leave an impression on me whatsoever

Even the cute ones!

So.... bland.

WHAT A GIRLY MAN.

~~

Guy: Hey there, cutie.

Me: Hola. What's up?

Guy: i knew it. you dont care about me.

Me: ??

Guy: you didnt ask me how I was doing.

Me: So?

Guy: i saw your tweet.

Me: Okie...

Guy: whatever.

Me: I still wanted to know what was going on in your life.

Guy: but not about me

Guy: hey. are you there?

Guy: nhi

Me: Yes?

Guy: nothing

Me: Okie... I think I'm gonna go now. Cya later! ^_^

Stop flaunting your older age around me.

Whether it's because you're old enough to drink and young enough to party

or just old enough to have experience all you've needed in life

Stop it. I'm still living and learning

and people like you make me impatient!

I swear.

As a not ugly Asian girl

I could get free pot and food every day if I wanted to...

o_o

Think of all the possibilities.

Goddammit.

FINE.

I WILL GO ON A DATE WITH HIM.

EVEN THOUGH HE IS TRIPPING ME OUT

AND IT IS ALL SO WEIRD.

I just want to give him a chance.

It's also weird when guys tell me or warn me that they have an Asian fetish

I don't know

especially with white guys

they all seem to know that me being Asian is the only reason they're flirting with me in the first place

then they get to know me

The only advantage I see to this is that they'll think I'm prettier than the majority of other girls around me.

but it's still weird.

Is it weird

that I'm developing a fear

of everyone raping me?

I wish I didn't grow up being afraid of all of this

and wary of all men

then becoming weary of them

Ugh.

Why couldn't I have been the average girl

at the age of 17.3

I'm just weird!

And I'll look back at this and know it too. Ha

I USED TO BELIEVE THAT CRAZY, WEIRD PEOPLE WERE JUST MISUNDERSTOOD SOULS.

But they're just insane

without any awareness between right from wrong

the meaning of morality is from a parallel universe

and suddenly... I just keep becoming more and more cynical

because I can't help them

I just do my best by being kind and moving along.

That is all.

So a guy was hitting on me and asked how old I was

said I was 18

we conversed

he asked me out before we parted

but first

he asked to see my ID

"Why?"

"You can never be too safe. Too many teenage girls pretending to be they're older these days."

~~~~~

Hm.

I'm not sure what to think of this.

I think it is so sad to see young love separated by their parents.

I don't mean the reckless kind

where one obviously sees the lust, not love.

I'm talking about those emotions that are hindered

from things like religion or race

Stupid ideas and customs that keeps a guy away from the girl

Their parents ripping them apart

Moving her away, breaking her spirit year after year

It's so sad to see

That they'll never know if they're meant to be.

My friend's a writer, going to Johns Hopkins soon. I just know it.

Anyway, she wrote a piece, a short story.

I just wanted to share a wee bit of it with you.

"Upon challenging these notions, I am outcast; sent to my dungeon in Cinderella’s castle, with only a laptop to express my qualms and a man who sneaks in for easy sex. What better way to rebel against the feminist feast than my own creations and electrically charged screams sounding down the hallways? Heaven forbid, someone should have a new opinion, and heaven forbid a woman should enjoy a man inside of her. It’s nothing like my ideal, where a commune of artists and I break new ground with esoteric, psychedelic ideas floating from the brushstroke to the sentence. The faerie-tale love I have craved, where I am truly treasured for my creative mind and eccentricities, is nowhere to be found."

I love her very much.

You know, because my name is Nhi.

I'm surprised

that no one has asked me if I'm on my knees a lot.

It's like Dr. Who!

EVERYTHING in life is like Dr. Who!

EVERY.

SINGLE.

THING.

Alrighty then,

I'm going to walk downstairs to get more fried chicken

and sit on my rocking chair

on my back porch

with a pitcher of sweet tea

like I used to when I was a kid

......

it's cool how I don't realize how racist people were back in Louisiana until I've grown up and thought about it. Everything just went over my head.

All that innocence... all that ignorance...

gone.

Damn you, Dr. Who.

Why do I keep watching this crap?

Why do guys I go out with keep asking if I'm a virgin?...

Is it that obvious?

Is it because I keep going on first dates with bad guys?

I don't like this. I give up. Need a break.

WHY CAN'T I BE CRAZY

dammit. I'm becoming a crazy girl.

hm.

actually

I'm not crazy because there is an explanation for this

which makes me happy

because I have something to blame it on

when I stumble upon these posts later.

:)

I'M NOT CRAZY

well, maybe just a little

but there's an excuse for this all

Fine

I can wear fucking eyeliner, eye shadow and lip gloss for you

It's usually just eyeliner and chapstick

but yeah, I'll add some color to it and make my lips shiny

I'll get a new haircut for you too

I wasn't planning on cutting it

I wanted to grow it out first

and whatever

but I'm not getting any attention

hhaahahah

and I've got to get noticed

in order for you to like me

otherwise we'll always just be floating by

we wouldn't be aware of each other's existence

and I do not want that to happen.

Goddammit, I'm writing a happy experience the next time I feel like.

Whether it's something as

...

wait.

I've got an experience I want to write about

Actually, I'll just copy and paste it from a message I sent to an OkCupid guy

and I'll edit it a bit to be more descriptive of my emotions, experience and thought process.

:)

I'm excited now.

This is probably a memory I will want to keep for future reference. =]

A good story.

~~~~

I don't like guys often. I usually just disregard anyone who shows interest and me unless they've grabbed my attention and or if they're physically attractive. Well, I hate jerks. So much. I hate assholes. Anyway, I've only ever like three guys in my life, four if you count ________. This new guy. He hasn't done anything, yet. But I just remember his smile and face so clearly when I first met him, but we didn't introduce ourselves. We just had a quick glance at each other. To be honest, my memory has probably been overly romanticized by my awful girly brain. But anyway, I guess it's difficult to describe.

I follow him on Twitter and he's a funny fellow, I also thought he'd be unattractive and dorky since I've never seen him in real life. When we met that first night and didn't talk, we both knew we should have acknowledged each other and I was really surprised at how adorable he was just standing there. Not even a single word spoken and I fell for him. Ha. He was smiling. I love that smile. I do, I do, I do. I was just leaving, it was so awkward. I felt like I was looking at him for a long time, I didn't realize at the time I was imprinting the moment into my head.

It's very difficult.

Downtown. That night sucked really.

I bought nasty crab cakes I could even eat. $20 worth of crap that day.

Or wait, was that another night?

Was this the one when I was with Anderson or my friends?

Oh whatever, what the fuck.

It's the one with my friends

I remember now because I had a lighter in my pocket.........

Good night, good weather, bad time.

And then I saw him again.

At a different event

and this is getting embarrassing

but I hope he likes me

or will eventually.

I'm not pretty, but I am nice.

I don't care about materialistic things I suppose.

I'm not high maintenance and am up for anything.

So yeah...

Let me tell you about the other guys I've liked.

I think I've loved two guys in my whole life so far.

Ha.

I'm only 18 and I've fallen in love twice already.

I heard that the average is seven.

Also, I have no idea what to label my infatuation with Max.

hahahahah

argh

<3

I usually get what I want and I'm not going to give up.

Not on Max, I don't care.

But I mean in everything.

I don't understand...

I love you

and I know that I'm going to be completely fine and even better than I am now eventually

It's just going to happen

and you're letting this happen

you want this to happen

why are you reading this and not

..

whatever.

I guess I'll take some of the blame too. -____-;;

Don't worry, it's not all your fault

I'm sorry

whatever, blah, blah, blah.

Okie, time to sleep now.

Goodnight, cya later. I will.

Ever have one of those nights when you begin to question yourself and everything you've done

and you have no one to console you

it's not like you want to tell anyone either

they have to be the right person

one who won't judge you and will understand

one who will make you feel better

not right away

but by being there

and witnessing you going from this,

this piece of mess of mindless thought

into who you are again

and all you can do is thank them

and appreciate them

Forever changing my mind and erasing the past

I can't do that you know

change the past

I can pretend though

and forget the little things

by deleting them

one at a time

it feels good

and empty at the same time

Forgive?

Don't you mean thank?...

T_______________________________T


I don't know what I feel.

Damn it, Dr. Who.

I didn't expect the show to turn out so romantic.

T________T

"You sound like such a nerd..." a guy says as he gives me a funny look and leans back a bit.

We were just discussing Linux because he noticed my desktop and I informed him that I was currently using Ubuntu.

I wasn't quite sure how I should have reacted to that, but quickly afterwards he spoke again.

"Oh God, please don't take that the wrong way. I just didn't really expect it because you don't look like one. I'm a nerd too! And I think nerd girls are attractive."

So I did my signature smile, nodded my head and replied with a curt "Okie."

I continued on with my pretend studies, glancing through what my Java assignments include and continually returning to Reddit.

And to think, all I said was that I enjoyed putting Linux distros on computers and working out the kinks by searching for them online because I feel like I learn a lot by doing so.

When I was a little kid I never wanted to be a nerd. Ha.

But I'll deal with it. Does it still have a negative connotation?

I'm also awfully socially awkward.

Grawr.

So introverted... I keep the majority of thoughts to myself, which is good most of the time because I feel as if my opinions are ever-changing.

I haven't defined myself quite yet, but I do know what I want.

To be happy, duh.

Ha.

Goodnight.

I'll probably be back later.

It's nice when people call me smart

and bothers me when I'm told that I'm a genius

because I'm not

yet.................

Teachers look at me on paper and go "Holy shit! She's got an IQ of 161. What the fuck, she's a genius", automatically assuming everything academic shall be a breeze for me

and I'm going to invent something that'll save the universe

...

Well, that hasn't happened, yet.

I promise you, I will do all of that stuff.

I just feel like I don't earn the title of genius, yet.

...

haha.

Yeah, I'm smart.

And arrogant, which kinda sucks.

People hate this shit.

I'm sorry.. for being so mean.

I'm sorry if realizing that a lot of guys like me and hearing them tell me so often puts me in a bad light.

I feel like my brain is slowly being poisoned.

By time.

It's alright though

In the end I will be done with med school

Love science more than anything else in the world

save lives

and make people happy, just like the way I feel when I'm at my best.

I just want to make that difference, you know?

Which I will, it's already set up for me

So... easy.

Thank God I am willing to take this path and actually want to

with all of my heart. <3

Apparently me asking a guy out is moving too fast and scares them away.

I don't understand.

I hear guys all the time say how they wish a girl would go up to them.

And now when I see a guy I like and tell him, he thinks I have other motives.

Why??

I swore, this worked before.

It used to be so easy

"I like you, wanna hang out some time?"

"Sure!"

Then, we'd hang out and see if we liked each other.

And that was it.

No mind games involved whatsoever

I never had to dress up or anything

Blah, blah, blah

-_______-;;

Haha, oh well. I'm only 18.

I keep forgetting that!!!

Why do I keep forgetting that?

Do you know how young 18 is?

I can't even drink legally here.

I can't take my lil sis to see a rated R movie.

I can't do a lot of things,

but at least,

I know I'll be going to Spain.

I am, I just have to!

Hahahahahaha

I just realized why I was feeling so down lately. So grumpy.

xD

It all makes sense now. Lol

Chemically, logically, biologically

:)

Oh thank God.

I thought I was just turning into a monster

*Whew*

This really makes me feel so much better.

I love you.

I love the world.

And I love solving problems, like a puzzle with a solution so concrete

:D

Also, you KNOW I don't like you

why do you keep bringing it up

think you'll get me to magically like you

because you're persistent?

or is it because you want reassurance

that my mind is completely set on others

I'm sorry

that's all I can say

and it's not even my fault

We're both so predictable









Negative Nhi is going to sleep now

Socially awkward, she does not know the conventional way of saying goodbye for the night

I'm not Japanese (okie, I am a little, but I really do just consider myself as Vietnamese) but I'll take it

You know what makes me happy?

Me.

I don't do my nails

I don't do my hair

I don't wear make up

I only wear skirts and dresses for a good reason

I don't like shopping





Does this make me less noticed?

I should stop writing

Tonight I feel sad, lonely and stupid.

Sad and lonely because I don't have a boyfriend

and stupid because I declined maybe 40 dates

and am chasing after

this one boy....

I just like him

I'm so picky

and you know what, I can "do better" than him

in terms such as looks, wealth and possibly intelligence

but I don't know

none of that really matters to me

because I've already decided to like him

and it's tough

because I won't give up

It's a bad habit

You're not going to trick anyone to thinking you're not ugly by pretending to be ugly because you actually are.

Argh

WHY HAVE I BEEN SO MEAN LATELY?!?!!?

What kind of people have I been hanging out with

to taint my mind with finding faults

and pointing them out so rudely?

Remember when I was so nice?

Well, I still am, but now I think mean thoughts and I don't want to...

-_-;;

Or I'm just a weirdo.

Ha, you decide.

hypocrite

but she's so ugly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

both of them

ಠ_ಠ

I mean, one has a horse face and one has really bad acne.

Argh

WHY AM I SO MEAN?!?!?

It's not fair

and I am very, very, very disappointed in myself

I don't want to think like this.

Have you ever

wondered why the person you like is going out with the person they're with?

And then you only think about all the negative things possible about that person

not focusing on the reason your crush is dating them

I think it's so funny that the first and main negative comment is usually

"but he's/she's so ugly!!!"

I only say this because of how many girls at my church think this of me

and I'm not ugly

obviously

well, looks are relative, but the majority of people I know do not see me as ugly

...

Those girls are bitches anyway

I don't understand how they can praise my lil sister and hate me

ha

so ironic, but not really

I am so similar to my sister!

But not really

so yeah........

Uh.

I'll go back to doing math hw now.

:)

My entries

have no meaning to me now that class has started. This is when I don't have enough time to delve deeper into my thoughts. This is all just the surface, what I feel at first. When I'm alone with spare time I analyze the past and then determine how I should feel, which in turn makes me feel the way I should... Get it?

By golly

I'm going to have a fucking birthday party for my 19th next year. No matter what!

So I'm watching Dr. Who

and I just wanted to say that I hate stupid people

so... much

only when they're annoying though

Don't worry, I don't mind ignorant people. They don't know any better, yet.

Most are adorable. Ha

But yeah

Gosh

And I dislike dependent people

so. much.

You know, all of this really doesn't make any sense

I hardly know you, I've met you once and glanced at you another time.

Yet I've already chosen you

in my mind to love

I chose you, I did


I don't know why, yet

but I'll find the reasons soon enough

so for now I'll pretend you're mine

unless the past happens to show up

and I have to change my mind all over again

But anyway, thanks for making me smile. :)

Pain

This is exactly how I feel about the pain rating scale! Ha. I didn't realize XKCD had made a comic about it. Makes me happy that someone else can relate. :)

http://xkcd.com/883/

Oh yeah

I'm really smart too

Ah, I see

I'm just cute.

...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

and nice.

Meh, that's good enough for me.

...............

Everyone is talking to me

Everyone

and I can't concentrate

or focus

I don't really want to listen

but I care about everyone

is talking to me...

I don't understand you

Timing...

you timing...

bad timing

Can't I just have stability

Again for a second

Ahahahaha

It's as if a surge of people

has suddenly noticed that I exist

and am awesome

So keep talking to me

I'll get used to this attention

I guess

I soon

I don't know

:)

Why is this so relevent to everybody?

Am
I once had a dream

Dm4.........................Dm
That you would fall me

Am
Why'd ja have to go?

Em
Why'd ja have to go?

C7
Why'd ja have to go?

Am
Why'd ja have to go?

Am B7
Go go...

B7 Em
Go go...

Also

All the older guys don't seem so old anymore

It just seems like because I'm 18

It's alright for anyone to hit on me

And it's kind of creeping me out

.........




Also, even though I'm 18

I still feel so innocent

I keep learning what crazy things all my friends are doing

and I feel left behind

like they're all growing up without me

and I'm just not ready yet

Blahhhh

I'll just sit back shocked for a bit

learning about the people I know

Don't you just hate it

when a really poor guy saves up money just to take you on a really nice date?

It makes me feel so guilty

But I mean

They're enjoyable

...............

but really, if I really like the guy

I would be so satisfied just sitting on the couch watching a movie

or playing a board game

or going to the park

or whatever.

I just want to spend time with someone I like

Not eat lobster

and shop

or go to rebounderz

though that's really fun... bwahaha.

Okie, I shouldn't complain.

Everyone keeps telling me I deserve this.

It's just all so weird to me.

I've been found out!

I'm just a kid.

Anyway, it's alright

cause there are a lot of guys

who're still boys