What the hell am I doing?

I'm like... going through torture right now

In the name of being 18 and being free

Making new friends, experiences and memories...

Why do I feel like I'm more afraid of being comfortable and not doing new things?

I guess it's because I really don't want to grow up. Please don't let me get old. I have to take advantage of my age and free time now!!! Look at all those people who wished they traveled more or who wished they've done this or that.

I don't know, I just want to be Nhi. I want to be special, different and memorable. I want to be desirable

Is it ironic that this goal makes me average?

So logically... doesn't this mean I'm doing everything the average girl wants to do?

It must make me different that I'm actually acting upon what I want to do instead of just dreaming though

You'll see, I'll accomplish everything I'll want!

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Oh god. The "L" word

Totally... makes... my night

:)

And pissed off too

*sigh*

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theres this guy whos like a worse version of this awesome guy I know and apparently this new guy is also inspired by the awesome guy.

its really weird

im not sure whether or not it makes the awesome guy even more awesome

or if I should stop feeling so special

its quite confusing

I still feel like there are at least two me's

One who's happy and will accept whatever

and one who's happy and knows she can be happier.

Most of the time it feels like I'm the one who can be happier watching this fake girl inside my body

it's weird.

I don't like it.

But at least when I go away I get to find out who I am

I keep expecting to change

I have already and will continue to do so.

I'm very much in love

...

with life and possibilities that is

I suppose...

Sometimes, all I do is try to be good.

Yes, there are actual moments where I'm not selfish and it surprises me

I've kind of been super influenced (and very easily at that) by Ayn Rand

Being selfish is good.

*sigh*

Sometimes I just do my best

and when it's not enough it really frustrates me

I always feel like I could have done more, you know?

Why won't this person be happy, why won't that person be happy

What did I do wrong?

And I just get so tired of this!

It takes so much effort

and when things go wrong I usually just give up, only for a bit though

I give up, sit back angrily and wait

I won't do anything or say a word

this is because I'm waiting for time to pass, I know the future is always better

just waiting and waiting...

time calms me down

time brings me new opportunities

and time lets people forget

Goddammit, just let me be and let me have my own opinions.

It doesn't affect you so don't worry. Don't be so vain.

These are just my opinions and thoughts. They were already here, nothing new about me. I haven't changed.

Only your opinion of me has changed because you now understand me more. If you don't like it I'm sorry. I'm not going to change.

So yeah

I love you

Thanks for reading, people

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I'm glad I've been heartbroken because I know it's just temporary pain. You'll be fine.

Just don't listen to all those love songs on the radio...

Or watch too many chick flicks...

Or hang around too many couples...

:/

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I am way too excited to meet the Gaggle Monster and earn his approval. I hope I'm not too fat or anything. Ha.

It's weird. His choice of words is almost just like you-know-whose

Yeap.

Cool cool. :)

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Thank you everyone who makes me feel special and actually listens to me. I appreciate it and you. Yeap. Thanks again.

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There's this one guy who clearly thinks I'm amazingly clever and brilliant

He pretty much loves me

and I really like how much he believes in me

One day I was just hanging out with him

(this was a long time ago, but whatever)

and his family met me

and they were all like

"is this the really smart girl you're always talking about? wow, she's really pretty"

I felt so good that day.

It's nice knowing that there are people out there who view me in such good light.

ha.

because i'm awful

at least today anyway

Fine. Sure. I don't care. I'll work today.

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Fucking Ronnie Sosa.

I feel so incredibly lonely and sad today.

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I'm upset that my mother and father decided to work today rather than spend time together. Jesus Christ. This is ridiculous. All I wanted to do is spend time with my sick mom to feel less guilty about going to DC.

I hate it when people make me feel guilty. I hate it. Mostly because I don't believe anything is my fault anyway. Don't piss me off.

And please don't tell me what to do. *sigh* But I don't mind recommendations.

Also, I love you.

Sorry for being such a bitch.

Hm.

10'44AM Xmas eve.

I'm tired

And angry.

Goddammit

I want a normal family for one or two days of the year

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I hate nerds

But I like you

me: Good.

"You're a fucking gold mine"


Yeap. I am.


Ha, this comment will make my day. 


I'm happy. :)

Blah blah blah

Something about my boyfriend.

I really like him. *sigh*

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You know, a few months ago I.thought I was never going to get married.

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This is another moment.

I'm waiting for time to pass.

I have nothing to worry about

But the people all around me do

And I suppose that I do care for them

But...

I want to stay happy.

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So I was singing randomly like I usually do

with my best attempts to rhyme of course

so I recorded a bit of it and these are the lyrics:

Listen to me now. You've got my heart. You've got my soul.

I don't know where to go.

You left me behind

with a deranged mind

no care for my past

I wish it would last

You tried your best to make me sway, sway, sway

It's not fair that ideas won't go away.

Ouch, you're killing me now

How could you possibly let this go down?

Showers never made you come clean

If only you knew of the horrors I've seen.

Sing with me please, don't leave me alone

What a wicked world you have so clearly shown.

Every walk I take a step leads to a needle

I'm stuck cowering, my position fetal.

I can touch your soul and have you love me

It's possible!

To hold onto forever

Um

er.

Ah...

I am so creepy!

So tangible and possible... if only I wanted.

Things are better when I'm with Andrew. I don't understand why.

I'm sure I've heard it before, but I can't remember now...

I go fucking insane in a cluttered, messy room.

Jesus.

I can't wait to go back home Saturday and Sunday. -_-;;

My lovely, lovely room.....

It's freaking huge

and clean

and bright

and comfortable.

:)

It's so nice.

Also, I guess I'll live in the Dean Road house as soon as I come back for school

At least I'll try to

We'll see.

There's no internet there or anything

So I'll probably have to figure things out.

I can't believe I'm ignoring you. This never happens!

But you can't have too much of me :/

I'm so good. >_<

I should stop remember before I get caught up in the past again. I'm sure current Nhi wouldn't want that... but I don't know.

Remember that one day when I drove half an hour to see a guy

and I took a nap with him

and we were happy for maybe two hours together

and he woke up

and when all things were said and done he told me

"I need to be alone today"

and I said "Alright, I understand."

and I just left...

like that..

I wanted to be mad

but I couldn't be

He had me under some trance

And at that moment I knew that I was going to drive forever to see him again tomorrow

and the day after that

and the day after that

I just wanted him to be happy and love me.

...

and so I think

"Man, if I was so tolerant with that guy, why am I not nice to everyone else I'm with?"

so yeah

I try.

Magic.

... Ugh

I'm not feeling so good now.

:(

I feel sick.

I should be better soon

 

when I'm productive.

alright

I'll do stuff now.

I love you.

Wow, I'm a crazy bitch.

Ha

I am like.... so totally clingy and in love and weird and stuff

o_o

man

...

It's like I'm 13 again. -_-;;

but I'm not 13! Not anymore!

Ha.

Being 18 is like...

yeah, I'm legal

but really I'm just a kid inside

but I can pretend not to be

o_o

I don't know

AHhHHHHHhhhHHHHHhHHHHhhhhhhh

And I just know that I probably will not want to talk to anyone while I'm in DC

:/

I know I have more than one personality

I've also convinced myself that I will develop schizophrenia later on.

o_o

=/

WHY?!

Do I WANT to be crazy?

I keep changing my mind

because part of me already believes that I am crazy.

Huh.

Anyway.

I can't wait until Monday

:D

Andrew and I shall be at St. Augustine together

I have been called and or described as a sweetheart six times this week.

Not bad.

I am very upset that I don't get to have a first New Year's away from home with my boyfriend. Instead, I shall be partying (most likely awkwardly) with strangers in DC.

I have a feeling that they'll be pretty old strangers too.

I'm not sure, yet.

Also

my first kiss of the year will probably be on the 8th or 9th of January.

-______-;;

That seems like forever!

Hmph

I miss my boyfriend

He's pretty good!

and awesome

and lovable

and great. :)

<3

My boyfriend is great.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*different topic*

Man, this guy and I have the weirdest relationship.

It used to be me doing whatever he said

because I was this teenage girl with the biggest crush ever

but now it's like

...

I don't know.

I have a lot more self control

and I have a boyfriend now

He's more like this best friend who I can only talk to when I'm on the brink of insanity

you know?

He completely understands me

but that's only because I'm becoming him...

He's my role model is so many ways

ever since I met him I was hooked on his ideas

most of them anyway.

He's lucky he was the first guy I met

I mean, if it were anyone else

would I still feel as happy?

I don't know.

But it's because of him that I want to go travel

that I don't like wearing labels

that I try harder in music

that I actually try in school

and so much more.

Yeah, he's a good friend.

And it's so weird...

I don't think I'll ever see him again

and whenever we do talk

it's weird.

I don't know.

Never mind.

I can't believe it's December 22nd already.

Fuck.

I am in physical pain.

Not much

but still

it's gross

Anyway

I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to cats...

I mean

not deathly allergic or whatever

but my skin is pretty gross now

and I'm going to need to drink a lot of water

and put on a lot of lotion

for about a week for it to be nice again.

ha.

Um.

Yeah.

Why do I feel the need to tell you this??

Rant rant rant.

Also

I have Jon Finkel's gtalk

I will probably ask him for tips later

because

I want to see how well I can play Magic

yeap.

3 months and counting.

I pretty much suck now. -_-;;

but maybe I'll get better in a few years?

Ha

Like when I'm 20 or something.

Normally I would try to be distant

I want to be the unloving one

and the person who cares less.

I don't really like all the mushy love stuff

especially during the beginning of a relationship

but I don't know.

I'll accept it for now.

I miss my boyfriend. He's fantastic!

But really

most of the time

I won't be so loving

=/

There's this one guy who talks to me whenever he feels like it

and it's usually just to make him feel better

yet I am super happy  every time he does this

whether it's some short conversation once a month

or multiple times within a week.

I enjoy feeling loved.

Did you know that?

I'd like to take this time to rave about my boyfriend. I love him very much...

He's very understanding and caring

pretty bright

I like the way he thinks.

Mm... I love Andrew Wilson.

He makes me feel good.

:)

I just... kind of feel disgusted now

I really am hating many things.

Ugh

Men are nasty

and gross.

They really are.

Why do I let myself deal with them, huh?

.....

*sigh*

Anyway

I don't really know what to talk about right now

But I don't like the thought of me being only 18

and just so many older guys

with kids and stuff hit on me

I just feel gross.

Like

they could be my dad and

idk

I used to like older guys

but it's different

It's just different.

I used to be like

yeah, I'll date guys up to 49

as long as he's handsome, successful and stable or whatever

but now

guys who are around 30 really freak me out..

So yeah.

It's weird because

I don't know

I'm weird

I just feel gross though

I don't enjoy being leered at like a piece of meat by older men

that's when I know getting into my pants is their only goal

that's when I know that everything I hear is a lie

and it sickens me because I hear the same compliments all the time

It gets to me, you know?

Alright, I'm cute

yeah, I'm smart

I'm a challenge and mysterious because I'm quiet and shy

apparently I'm very understanding

argh

I can't think.

Every compliment I used to think was special I know I've heard a million times before

Do all guys use the same line?

Some guy today told me that he loves talking to me because I'm quiet and it's difficult getting me to talk
but when I do the things I say are really great because I'm so thoughtful and clever
He likes it because he feels like he's causing a butterfly to come out or whatever

I mean, I like being compared to a butterfly... I guess.

But I've heard so many analogies similar to this.

Am I really special?

Another guy today started some deep conversations with me about judging people
and I was just telling him my opinions

oh never mind

It's just New York guys

getting into my head.

I don't like any of them.

I miss my boyfriend.

Confession

*Also, I change my mind a lot and have mixed thoughts*

I know I'm cute

and realize that not many girls are into the hobbies I have

so I'll get a bit of attention

and will accept free things.

But I don't like that...

I'm kinda vain and using people.

But I don't mind that much...

because I'm getting free stuff.

Ha.

Whatever.

I'm an awful person!

T_T

Jesus Christ, I need to stop hanging out with old people

er,

I mean older people.

They're like 25 year old girls obsessed with getting married

ha

Holy shit, I am in a lot of physical pain right now.

OW, OW, OW, OW, OW....

T______T

It hurts.

I AM GOING TO MEET THE REASON I MADE AN OKCUPID ACCOUNT AND STARTED PLAYING MAGIC... OH MY GOD.

Ha.

And to think.

Just three months ago I wouldn't have cared whatsoever.

I would have thought "Who's Jon Finkel??"

xD

Of course you don't understand me

You don't want to!

Geez.

Why did I want to go to Spain?

Why did I leave for New York?

Because I had to escape

Because I had to gain that taste of freedom when I could

Sure, I didn't live a life like you

Mine was a bit different

I was just so sheltered.... so suffocated

so loved and cared for

so spoiled.

I didn't get to do what I wanted to though

I never had many friends

or went to any parties

or attended sleepovers

or have friendly neighbors...

And things just became even more difficult due to the fact that I attended 24 different schools

that's an average of me going to two new schools a year

an average of me being the new kid two times a year

And you wonder why I'm so socially inept?

*sigh*

I really just wanted to do my own thing

as soon as I could!

I'm coming back... I was raised just fine.

But please, leave me be

Yeah, yeah, yeah

First world problem, annoying teenage girl

I JUST turned 18, but hey

this is the time for me to make mistakes

not when I'm older

but whatever... I just had to vent.

Just love me and be happy, please.

I really need more happy people in my life.

Maybe you could have handled whatever

but I couldn't

I get it. No one wants me to die.

now leave me the fuck alone to myself

you just ruined something I hoped would change my life for the better.

You've left me alone

with everything bad on my mind surrounding me

It hurts

I'm complaining

I know I'm a teenage girl

but I wanted to run away and start over

if only for a little bit...

that's all.

I promised to return

but now I'm burnt out

What the hell else do you want me to do??

What can I do??

I might as well use all of this fucking money to pay off my debts

This is not going to make me happy

stop buying my love

stop it...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What the fuck, Nhi?

Are you really just going to get a job now

after telling people to stop throwing money at you?

I don't understand

So yeah, you're not going to Spain

But you are 18.

Not 19

20

21

22

23

.... 40

Whatever.

You're so young with so much time

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My entire family keeps asking who I'm going to Spain with

...

They think I'm meeting up with you-know-who

Ha

After all of this time they STILLLLLL

ugh

never mind.

T_T

I really am going alone though

just to escape

if only for a little bit

I keep realizing things that are typical characteristics of a geek

:/

Why am I so geeky?!

T_T

I love it when people stalk me

or think about me all day

or

"nwoll27: i was actually thinking about your voice earlier today

  specifically your voice

10:17 PM is that weird?

 me: Nope

  Well

  Why?

 nwoll27: i was thinking about how you seem to speak with only the top of your diaphragm, like you're whispering the words

  i think that's the biggest "problem" with your voice, at least as far as singing goes

  (i rather like your normal voice)

10:19 PM i think you could do a lot with it by taking a deep breath and puffing up your chest and trying to sing with your whole abdomen, really like

  push the air out

  if that makes sense

 me: alright, I shall try that!!!

10:20 PM nwoll27: i was listening to that clip i recorded the other day with you and the part where i was saying you could be my intrepid radio partner

  and i was thinking that you'd have a good voice for it if you projected yourself more

 me: Oh, I see

  I definitely don't have a fearless voice

  ha

10:21 PM nwoll27: because the way you normally speak, sometimes it's almost like you're at the end of your breath and it loses definition and cracks sometimes

  i have a lot of time to think when i'm at work.

  ahahaha

 me: Hm

  I never noticed it

  my voice changes a lot though

10:22 PM Like I'll purposely try to my voice deeper and articulate my words when speaking logically about something

  or explain something I really know/care about

 nwoll27: yeah

10:23 PM it's easy to tell when you're comfortable speaking

  at least i think it is

 but i notice those sorts of things too

  OR

  maybe i just want to think you're more comfortable around me now

  ahahaha

10:24 PM me: Kinda, yeah"

I really should be doing my math homework now and I really should find a place to live in Spain. D:

...

LIFE IS ABOUT TO START.

MY LIFE IS ABOUT TO START.

<3

I've got it good

Too, too, too, too, too spoiled

o_o

Here.

I've got everything you need to stalk me here

why

am

I

so...

dumb

>_<

HmmMmMMMMM

Why do I eat when I'm bored?

I've gained like... 10lbs this year

in preparation of winter in Spain!!!

:)

Will I learn ANY Spanish?!

In a single month...

huh

I believe I can

Hey guys!!! Apparently I have hundreds of viewers sooooo....

listen to this clip of me singing!

http://soundcloud.com/vi3thoneyx/come-together

Yeap. That is all.

Yeah,  I know that I'm not good at singing. I really do.

However, at least I am not terrible.

I'm sorry if my mediocre singing makes you feel awkward though,
I can empathize. Ha!

<3

Um

I just really wanted attention tonight is all

so far a lot of kids have been telling me that I'm not a good singer

but I'm cute so they like it

and the more they listen to it the better it gets.

ha

just like the more you get to know me the better I get!

But also, here's the original song I was listening to before I got bored and decided to try it out for myself.

Enjoy

life and everything! <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wH6eiCJ9SDs