I'm talking to myself

"Hello"

"...."

"I called to feel like I was sleeping with you again."

"...."

"Yeah, that's fine. You always fell asleep so quickly anyway."

"...."

"I love you."

"...."

"Okie then. Thank you for this. Good night. This really helps a lot." <3

Maybe I'll be free when I cut my bracelets off

They're holding me down

The false goals of false gods

I love you but you're gone

Let's sacrifice my arm

Good bye logic

Good bye circles

I'm stubborn and cruel

Just feed me your attention

I'm starting to starve

How are you so dumb?

You never invest or earn

You poor boring soul

I remember you
Brown eyes, yellow and or gray
Awful crooked smile

Hunched over skinny
Hungry 'bout every day
I want you to cook

Thanks for the mem'ries
Thanks for the shirt, love and mind
I hate you so much

One time I drove two hours and waited

And waited

And waited.

Then I bought chocolate peanuts and hair scrunchies

And cried.

Then I drove two hours

And hugged

And kissed

And cried...

Good bye
Good bye
Good bye

Sometimes I just want to run away and start over...

I'd like to leave everyone behind

It's nice to take a breath of fresh air.

Going alone to cities like New York, DC and Barcelona felt incredible

So good....

Can you imagine me

And then after a few months I would leave again

Just like that

People who care for me

...

What's stopping me?

My brainwashed childhood

What's pushing me?

My brainwashing love

Romanticism.

So many options.

Do you know how many times I've gone somewhere and have heard some variation of

"Why didn't you tell me you were leaving

When did you go

I love you"

I don't.

I can't try counting....

Only two memories stand out.

What is wrong with me?

I have two personalities perhaps

Never have I ever cherished such a picture...

Pink white brown

Love the cold

A book and harmonica

A white vneck

Jeans..

And a gypsy.

I want to be that gypsy...

That poor shackled gypsy.

I'm fucking nuts right now.

Sometimes it feels nice when someone feeds you attention and begs for your approval

Alright,sure.

I'll bite and say "thank you"

There's no use at getting mad at Andrew when it's too late to Do anything about it.

I fucking hate Beavis and Butthead

Goddamn

Their noises and laughs are so goddamn annoying

Oh God.

I love my hubby
My boyfriend.

My love boodle?...

um

I love Andrew. >_<

I wanna call Andrew hubby or some other pet name like that but that's weird because it's like I'm calling him my husband, right?

Do you only call your so hubby or waifu if you're married or engaged?

Andrew is the best boyfriend a girl could ever wish for. I love him so much in he makes me very happy. I'm like a robot now because I'm using speech to text. I'm too lazy tonight to actually use my fingers and write this message.

Once we live together Andrew and I are going to work out regularly. We would be so sexy together. I'll be skinny and he'd be toned up.

I don't want to be super fit or anything. Just healthy. And I don't want Andrew to be a body builder or. Just to fit his jeans better.

Yeap. We're gonna look so good...

Goddamn the worst kisses in the fucking world. Lmfao. Oh God, the horror. The awkwardness. Lmfao

Jesus Christ thank God that's over with.

So fucking bad.

Just that one memory

Just that one kiss....

I'll never forget it.

I'll never forget my kisses

No matter what, even if they we're stolen from

That moment when you kiss someone for the first time

It's magical.

So damn magical.

I could be a good traveling companion.

Imagine me with you going to Mexico, China or Poland

I paid for Miami, St Augustine and Tampa.

And now we're splitting for LA : )

No one compares to Andrew.

Sure, there are guys out there who are adorable and make me smile

Or try everything in their power to satisfy

Or who look really good in sweaters


But Andrew and I just have so much together

I love him a lot

He keeps me warm

and kisses me on the forehead

and smiles at me

It's just nice to have him

No one can be compared to him

He's also really smart and loves me a lot

what a great guy. <3

It makes me really sad that my parents don't like Andrew.

They keep telling me things like I should date a guy of my class because they're millionaires

Idk, Andrew is such a good boyfriend and makes me so happy. I don't see why they care so much about money. Sure it makes life easier but I'll live.

Man i love my boyfriend so much!!!

I want some roses.

And...

Idk.

I love andrew

I miss my boyfriend

I actually care about him

He's a good guy

"I'm crazy about you and just wanna make you happy."

Awwwwwwww

Have you ever gone somewhere expecting to meet someone and you end up alone?

it sucks

Especially for me

...

I always build up the excitement, plan out my reactions and imagine what I'll do in my head.

Then when I'm there and they're not I just feel sad

And cheated on inside

Like when I brought a rose for no one on Valentine's Day

I want to cry when I see that stupid bear with a hoodie and peace sign.

Just show up on time

Or I'll overreact. Forever.

Oaggggg

There are a lot of attractive aspects about things and a lot of unattractive ones

How do you keep a balance?

I like thinking about the good things a lot and feeling happy on memories but when something bad happens my heart just shatters for a moment....

It's like waking up from a good dream

Nothing's perfect, but it felt so nice for so long!

And now I have to experience disappointment? : (

Weak men and weaker women
Why are my priorities so out of wack

Fuck..... my life

Once a upon a time you had the world, cried, and held on tight
I felt time past and how nothing was inside
Drifting away from my soul you gave yourself one last chance


But it just hurt so much, I'm sorry, baby... I know

If I could comfort you I would

If I really was meant to be with you maybe none of this would have happened

Everyone is broken

Our dreams shattered


I know you can't excuse a tempting devil

But I've been had and tasted another world

So many

...

So many things I never thought about or saw.



What did you expect me to do?

Cry forever over you? Over us?

"you'll be fine..."

Those last words

You told me that I would be fine

and I am.

I am fine.

I am delicate. I am nice. I am a punishment.

I am acceptable, adequate and purifying.

I am fine.

I wanna be spoiled with roses and crafts.

I can understand why people thought Tommy was gay

He made me great jewelry...

And bought me designer clothes...

Why do I decide to be stupid so much?

I just wanna take bits of my life and staple them together to be happy forever...

That's all I want

Is to be happy all the time: (

Some things make me snap so easily....

I don't know why, but I really like the way Andrew says "Get out of here"

It makes me want to come to him

Maybe it's reverse psychology... xD

but he's one heck of a sexy guy

<3

<3

<3

Mm

this fella

it's 3am

I am currently far from patient and easily agitated

however...

i have won a draft and it feels good, man

i am once again victorious

and will continue a winning streak for a while

because I am good at Magic.

Lovely, lonely winter night
Why you've been so out of sight
I love you once, I love it all
Why did my heart have to fall
So it's time once again
For this unfortunate trend
Sadness glows around the dark
Leaving many an open mark
Cut are tended sores are burned
Fitting penalty that was earned
I miss my head once light and sound
Now it rolls heavily on the ground
Sing some more, a bitter feel
I'm tired now, I've lost my zeal
............

Hello, world








it's cold, lonely and sad







I've slept alone for too long








I haven't had much to do






I miss music, art and writing







I'm only 19..... why does this matter so much






Why do I fear the next ten years? Am I going to end up a loser? Will I still be alone inside?
I want to be successful and active. I don't want to be caught up inside and stuck at home with no one to keep me company in times of need.


Friends are so nice. I like hanging out and seeing them often.

I love few things in my life.

There are just too many moments when I give up and coast on my age, but soon I won't be able to do that.

I just want to leave forever.

I can't go away for long and I don't know why.

I'm not exactly restricted.

I just start feeling bad for those I leave behind when I can easily not come back.

Who's going to hold onto and convince me that everything will be alright?

That I won't fall into some lifeless routine

That I will make something out of my life

That I will be able to see it all

That I won't have to stay at home when I want to go out

That I will always have the option to go out




I don't know....

Don't things just seem easier to do alone without any connections to anyone?





Starting over every time.

Sometimes when I don't get enough attention from Andrew or if he did something annoying I'll try to go to someone who's funny and will be creepy by listening in to what they're doing

For instance I wanted Andrew to hug me while I moped for a bit and take in his love (because I'm a weirdo) and he just didn't want to move because his arm was comfortable... so instead of me being visibly upset at losing I just left and walked over to Drew and KJ and ate my subway cookies

I love drew and kj

They were just talking in funny voices and playing magic so silly

I really liked watching them, especially drew

He's just so quick and the interactions between him and kj were perfect.

I pray to God that they'll be going to the ptq

A five hour drive with them seems like heaven.

:))

People have been telling me to not just settle with Andrew

Why?

who do they expect me to be with??

an astronaut who won the pro tour and saved the world?!

A lot of people from game academy and coolstuff just judge him from the way he looks his age and job delivering pizza or whatever

Like there are some people I really don't like at coolstuff who talk about Andrew being a creepy weirdo and then fucking ask me out and then pretend to wait for me to break up with him

Some people make me sick

Some guys were telling me about how he used to flirt with Jimmy's girlfriend and what a creep he was which I can kind of imagine but don't believe

Then those same guys would hit on me

Idiots

I like Andrew

He's not stupid

I also love how much he loves me

Moments when he kisses my forehead or squishes me a little when we're holding onto each other makes me go mushy

He's just so sweet and nice

Especially when compared to those scums

Of course they don't understand

They always find girls who like bad boys who are jerks

I feel smart for not friend zoning the nice guy

I do admit that it's a little bit weird that I'm 19 and that Andrew is 27 though...  just a little bit. And that I started dating him less than a month after I turned 18. >_<

So my sister was dating this guy and went over to his place.

In his room he casually said "Oh Yeah, I have a cat"

So  my sister freaked out and said "oh my God, I am really allergic to cats!" before leaving

Afterwards twice a week he'd vacuum his entire house and keep his cat Outside for whenever my sister came over.

He really, really, really liked her.

Seeing some nice diamond rings on reddit which led me to think..

I'd rather get a Black Lotus as an engagement thing rather than a diamond ring. xD

Fuck, musicians are sexy.

Why do I keep saying this?

It's because I keep listening to music

and whenever I find something incredibly genius I get turn on

so I blog...

ha

also, happy 17,000 views on my blog!

I know that's not in the millions

but still, 17k is a lot

:)

I feel like you guys really ARE listening.

Darn. I'm going to miss the "Will you marry me?" text...

I actually didn't say "Yes" immediately and then didn't even say "yes" at all

Aren't you proud of me?

I like saving texts that feel important

Oh well.

It's an old phone

I used to be really upset when my ex watched porn.

I felt like I couldn't take care of him or something

And I was jealous of the naked girls he'd watch get fucked

And then I'd imagine him imagining that he was fucking them which also made me jealous

and then I met a guy who didn't watch porn
He thought it was gross
But he could appreciate pics of tits

That Guy made me really happy

It was a nice period of time

Best two months ever

Now that I'm dating Andrew I prefer not to talk about it with him
I know enough from Reddit that the majority of guys watch porn and masterbate even if they have a wife or girlfriend

Which is stupid.

I fucking hate porn

It makes me upset

First of all you're watching other people have sex. That's kinda weird. Isn't it supposed be private and between the people doing it? Idk. I don't like it.

Also, porn gives guys awful ideas for sex and horrible ideals for what girls should do.

I just hear so much about girls being treated like animals or a piece of meat or whatever and that makes me angry.

I'm probably just upset over nothing

There needs to be more good looking Magic players

That's why there aren't any girls playing

If I were single I wouldn't date any of those guys playing magic at cs or ga

Geez, sports cars and bucket seats are fucking sexy

....

so sexy

Ugh, Nick is so freaking adorable and nice
He just laughs so much and so dorkily

I hope we never run into a discussion about cars or politics

I went x-2 but gave chazz the win in case we could split any money.
Poop.

I wanted more attention from Andrew after my losses

I guess they were during bad times because he was busy
.thank goodness kj is going to the ptq
I really like him and his friends a lot. They're hilarious!

I wish will and drew could make it to the ptq
I will have to ask them.

The more the merrier: )

I really miss nice cars

I'm going to have to ask Nick to drive me around more
I hate mustangs....
But they feel so much better than an xterra or van
I can't believe he delivers pizza in that gas guzzler

Weird

Anyway

I'm sleepy

When Tommy was bulked he was 165 and then 145 when we broke up because he worked nights. He had a nice butt.. and sculpted arms. He's the only guy I've made do pull ups and push ups shirtless he was so fine.

Guy was 135ish and tooooooooo skinny at 6' because he was starving but looked much better at the end and was fattened to about 145-150. God his arms were disgustingly skinny when i met him but his forearms were sexy. Then he gained weight and became perfect. like a demigod perfect in my eyes. Or maybe my memory's skewed

I think Andrew is 180 now. He's 27 though..He's neither a martial arts teacher nor starving. We should really work out together. With Tommy I was fit and working out and with Guy I was just wannorexix. I should be healthy with Andrew.

Just felt like talking about the men who were/are in my life: ex 1, this guy, andrew

I love(d) them all differently and want to explain why through comparing them with their pros and cons

Ex1
Pros: manly, healthy, rich, knowledgeable about manly things (can fix EVERYTHING, cars, guns,whatever), martial arts, video game master, sexy uniform, nice cars, nice place to live, Vietnamese, loyal, loved me... gosh that v-shaped body was beautiful

Cons: stupid as fuck, didn't physically express love or care, far from romantic, his mom...

LOVE: High school sweetheart. I loved him very much and miss him for the capability of constant company and communication. He didn't deserve to get his heart broken... I'm sorry. We were great together except for the fact that I was smarter than him at age 13 and then by the time I was 17 my intellect was just on a completely different level than his. His texts were written awfully and his math was even poorer. I remember the day I first let him go at 5AM and the tears in his eyes. I just wanted to hold onto him but whatever. He cheated on me and married that white horse bitch. My perfect first boyfriend.

Guy

Pros: sexy as fuck. 6' Tall, hazel eyes, shaggt light brown hair, skinny with abs, musician, writer, traveler, good at complimenting me, insane hormones, clever, knows many languages, experienced, travels

Cons: hard to live up to (I get lazy), gone, stubborn, hard to get through to, broke, family hated him, selfish

LOVE: Pure lust... sexiest guy I ever met. I wanted him so bad. I'm pretty sure I waited for him and thought of him and was super creepy for the three months he ignored me after my parents emailed him. I was 17. I could never control myself when I was around him. Fucking musicians. He was a really pretty white guy. Probably my idea of the perfect boyfriend. So tall and skinny but fit. Oh gosh, I forgot that he loves cooking.

Andrew

Pros: loves me, very sweet, smart, here, comfortable, compatible, other things...
Cons: poor, wants specific answers, introvert, five cats, not fit, annoyed at my placement of items in his space (especially for short moments like showing off my deck)

Love: This kind of love is the foundation of stable relationships. He's great. I would say more about him but I'm so sleepy. Let's see... he holds onto me and I can just feel that he loves me so much and that he's happy. He's here for me when I need him and whenever he stares and smiles my heart starts to melt. I trust him. I don't worry about him and other girls. We're just so good together. He's like an actual first boyfriend. <3