I would hate someone like me though. Ha

Also, I just hate it so much when someone tells me what to do!

even if it's something as little as "pick up the pen"

or "move your chair"

or "play this card"

...

I know, it's dumb

but I just really prefer being suggested things rather than told

I don't know what I'm like this

something must have happened in my past for me to be this annoyed at commands

I love myself very much.

I wanna write down the lyrics to my song
it's really short right now
I wanna fix it later if I'm not too lazy
thing is that i'm pretty content with it now
----------
I don't want you to ask any questions,
I don't have the strength to lie.
Do you feel the tension,
Or do you wish to fight?
I just wanna be one with you,
Do you wanna be with me too?
I just have so much to hide,
Nothing to lose but some pride.
Will you forgive me tonight?


Maybe it's what you're saying that's wrong
I don't think you're acting strong
Wish you'd take me away
Maybe we could meet halfway
I know I haven't committed a crime
But you make me feel sorry every time
Though no one can say what is true
I'll just believe in you


http://soundcloud.com/vi3thoneyx/secrets

Boo. I hate weddings

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I don't mind people who pretend to be fascinated by me when they really like me.

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I've got to write more songs so I can fall in love with myself again

ahhh....

fuck musicians

Here's another sweet thing I noticed from a guy

but first I want to say that I normally don't define how a relationship is going or how serious it is whenever someone asks

and whenever my boyfriend or guy I'm dating is with me I try to let him answer

partly to see what he says and mostly because that's what the relationship really is

I just feel like girls move ahead fast in a relationship and define things as serious sooner than guys do

So what I like to do is define a relationship by whoever's opinion is further from being serious

Yeap

Do you get what I'm saying?

Anywayyyyyyyyy

I was at Austins when my friends (let's just call them Jane and John) were there

and I know that John was kinda a wild hippie who didn't really commit to one girl

however, Jane and John had been dating for a while so now I didn't know

when Jane went inside to buy some coffee some guy asked John if Jane was his girlfriend and if they were serious

John replied that she was and they were serious

Then John told the guy that he loved her very much and I don't exactly know why but inside my head I just went "Awwwwww........ that's so sweet"

I think it's because she wasn't even around to hear it

I just looked inside the window and smiled

and then stopped smiling because at the time I didn't really have anyone

>_>

I remember weird things, huh?

Sometimes my boyfriend is really sweet

like when he went to Publix that one day and bought a candy bar that he thought was my favorite

I guess I'm partial to actions that involve a good memory

He didn't end up choosing the right candy bar though

Ha, I felt bad because I didn't know what was going on

Oh well

The only thing I remember Tommy doing something that I really liked was one of the last nights we went out, I think

It was an awkward night

At the time he seemed so much older than all of my friends who were 18-19 year old freshmen without jobs

He was a 22 year old cop

But anywayyyy

It was freezing that night to everyone but me

I don't know why I wasn't cold then

but I had on short shorts, knee high socks, white victoria secret shirt and navy blue guess cover

a couple of girls walked out of their dorms, saw me and shouted "Jeez! Girl, aren't you cold?!?!"

and Tommy pulled me in, hugged me and rubbed my shoulders before saying "Don't worry, I'll keep her warm"

Ha.

That's it

At the time I was just so proud of him for showing emotion

You know, it'd be four years and he never showed emotion!

Yeap.

I love Andrew Wilson.

Alright, alright

just for my past I won't be sad!

I caved in, I know. >_<

I am very sad now.

I just wanted to be like my role model...

but I kinda failed.

At least I understand how I really feel now.

Hm.

I'm not sure how I should feel.

fffffffuuuuuuuuuuu


oh my god

(read my friend's twitter account. it's been forever since I noticed it. laughed at some tweets and was really surprised at how much i've missed)

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

(I like hearts)

I'm afraid to look online because maybe he'll see me. (i don't want people to talk to me online, no one in particular. i just like the readers to think i'm talking about them. i guess this will spoil some future posts, but whatever)

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 ( i like hearts)

mm......... (thinking)

i want to talk to someone (wishful thinking)

fuck. karl lives in england!

alkejf;alewkjfa;wlfe

man

what am i going to do?! (karl, a good friend of mine since i was 13 and have played poker with my family lives in england with his daughter and would let me stay as long as i wanted for free. what a nice option for me to escape. i'm thinking about how my dad told me today that i should take the summer off and not take any classes. now in my mind i'm deciding whether or not i should start working now to save up money for england. this makes me wonder how long i would want to be gone this summer if i were to go. i'm wondering how you'd feel and am remembering how we felt when i was in spain. then again i really, really, really love to travel and have wanted to go to england since i was 13 because that's when my beatle phase started.)

god dammit, facebook

start working properly again

so i can change some settings

and write "I don't love you

I never haved

and I never will

I'm sorry

Kind of" (ex is getting married. i'm kind of in denial. it just feels weird)


also

I need to give this guy my number

because facebook decided to awkwardly stop working during a middle of a conversation

so now it sounds like I like him or don't want to talk to him anymore depending on how you read it (facebook with some random guy at ucf. i'm trying to get a ride to coolstuff saturday and told him not to forget. then he gives me him numbers and asks to text. i haven't replied since facebook is crap.)

also

i like keeping secrets ( it makes me feel special that i'm the only one who knows something_

and some people are so annoying (like my aunts)

why can't i just smile and say the amount i want you to know (they hate it when I smile and give them vague details. )

hm?

some things have no relevance to you ( everything i keep a secret of really is just about me and my way of thinking and how i'm changing and how i want to be and how i want to think)

whatsoever!!!!

and you just want to know

because you think you're close to me?

that's not fair (i hate feeling obligated to things i don't have a choice in. like family)

that makes me not want to be close to anyone (makes me want to not feel obligated to tell anyone anything, oh well)

...

*sigh*

I really should buy another ticket somewhere (being somewhere where no one knows me lets me meet people who like me for me again without any preexisting judgment from mutual acquaintances or whatever)

most likely brazil (josimar lives in brazil. he speaks spanish and since i was recently in spain i'd like to keep practicing spanish. he would let me stay for free for a while and that makes traveling easier and cheaper.)

I think I will have to see what I want to do tomorrow (I mean, I can't decide now since circumstances change. Also I will probably feel better later so that is why I said this because at the time I was just being a moody teenage girl and don't want to wake up early)

I miss Kinder eggs (they are so good)

I do want to finish my poem though.

I'm going to start over. (sad, romantic things are my favorite. unfortunately (or fortunately?) i have only experience two sad relationships that I can write about. sure things get repetitive but hopefully i'll be able to convey what i felt well eventually. i like to think back to my literature classes and all the awesome, strong words i've read. i'm just kinda lazy with practice to writing the styles i like so instead i just kind of experiment and crappily write the first words i can think of in order to form a sucky poem. i remember things well though so i'm sure i'll get it right one day)

---------------------

Hi.

I didn't expect you to leave

When I made you that tie dyed shirt

With a metal heart on the sleeve

I sewed it myself, trying to be cute

The girls were jealous

You liked me as mute

I listened and heard and got your last kiss

I was the only girl you would ever miss

Yeah, yeah I'm growing up slowly

I no longer think you're infallible or holy

There's no logic in short tempers , not really much wit

I tried to stop you, to get you to quit

Blue, purple and green you gave me a chance

I thought in my life such thinking was advanced

....

i feel sick

i'm going to stop writing this awful poem (my choice of words suck soooo bad. why did i even allow myself to write like that?)

Ugh.

I'm not going to say "hi"!!!

I'm going to stare at the screen

and then run away

because

*sigh*

because I'm still a kid (I'm not going to tell people that I don't want to talk to them. ignoring people is so much easier)

I don't like know that this is being read along with so many other things

I mean this blog is fine (it's public, duh)

but there are some things I don't want you to see (so don't stalk me and try going in too deep)

or hear

or feel

I feel dirty (imagining stalkers seeing me naked)

and it's not even my fault

so

I'm going to sleep.

I dont do well with people who can't sing.

I try to listen, I do

but I just feel so bad inside

I'm pretty sure I hate prereleases...........

I'm kind of jealous of all the girls who are getting engaged on Facebook. I'm getting older!

But then again

there's no way in hell that I'm ready to even think I'll get married

I mean

I think everyone's too young!

Ha

and that just makes me feel like I have no idea

3,4,6

I want to tell you so many things

but you're just not the one

after I've waited so long

just for our past to become undone

I have a secret or two

just about you

Like the pasta and the cheese

Or how someone's hard to please

...

okie, i finished cooking

I'm not really the gamer girl anymore

I used to be

but then I wouldn't go out

and I'd just play video games...

and sometimes play them with my boyfriend I guess

like StarCraft, Call of Duty, Yu-Gi-Oh or whatever online

It's not the same as being together

but when we played side by side

it wasn't as fun

because then we were just playing against each other

instead of on a team.

never mind.

I don't know why I thought about blogging this

I'm going to comment on this list I saw online.

http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/the-heart-beat-blog-post?post=912d1372-51d0-4082-b5ef-ca24e757d779

Here's a full list of qualities the perfect man apparently possesses:

1. 6 feet tall (Alright, yeah... I like tall guys)
2. Toned and athletic (and a nice body)
3. Brown eyes (That's my least favorite!)
4. Short dark hair (Eh, it doesn't matter, but I actually prefer longer hair)
5. Smart dress sense (Maybe? Not better than me though. I don't know! I don't think I notice actually.)
6. Beer drinker (Yeah, okie. I like men who know their beer)
7. Non-smoker (Doesn't matter)
8. Wears smart jeans, shirt and a V-neck jumper (I like v-necks...)
9. Gets ready in 17 minutes (Why 17?! What about 5?)
10. Stylish (This is the third time...)
11. Wants a family (Eh. I don't know if I even want one)
12. Earns £48,000 ($77,000) a year (That's not enough)
13. Loves shopping (I would hate that in a man)
14. Eats meat (Duh. I eat meat)
15. Clean shaven (meh)
16. Smooth chest (whatever)
17. Watches soaps (NO. What? Why? What women want this?)
18. Enjoys watching football (Meh)
19. Drives an Audi (Meh)
20. Educated to degree level (He doesn't need a degree, just be clever. Please don't be stupider than me.)
21. Earns more than his other half (Eh)
22. Jokes around and has a laugh (Duh, it'd be creepy if someone never laughed)
23. Sensitive when his wife/girlfriend is upset (Yes)
24. Says 'I love you' only when he means it (Eh)
25. Admits it when he looks at other women (He can keep that to himself)
26. Has a driver's license (Eh)
27. Can swim (Eh. I hope he can for his own sake)
28. Can ride a bike (Eh)
29. Can change a tire (Kinda, yeah. This is too easy to do and does not require any skills, just common knowledge.)
30. Calls mom regularly (Why would you want this in a man?)

I really don't like short guys.

I like white guys, like Andrew!

I dated one short guy

But he had strong arms and a six pack

So... it was okay? But

Man

Tall, skinny guys are the best!

Not too sskinny though

There has to be some meat on his arms

I dated a guy whose arms were too skinny

I had to feed him and fatten him up

Then he was really, really cute

I miss Andrew

I want his arms around me :(

So

SPAIN IS AWESOME

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Sometimes I think about spontaneously deciding on bad things

Like breaking up with Andrew

Or dropping out of school

Or running away

But I know I really don't want to do any of that

Because of little things like him messaging me that he loves me n_n

At 4:30

<3

Spontaneity can be bad

Especially without any good reason for random actions

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I feel lonely today.

I miss sneaking out to spend time with a bad boy

Now all I do is play Magic

I haven't had many firsts lately

oh man. fuck singers

I probably won't be able to sleep the first night or two because I'll be thinking of Andrew

I am really dependent on him :/

"Greetings, love..."

"Hello, handsome"

Things are getting weird

as in

maybe

Ugh. That's so annoying.

Someone's back in this country and that makes me feel very worried

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Fine

I think I'll finally admit it

Never mind

No, I won't!

I hate that guy

I'm just bipolar. Don't hate me

It's 5AM. What do you expect?

Ugh.

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I am this close to breaking down

This close to leaving everything behind

I won't even want to say goodbye

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I love you

You make me not want to be alone

You've changed my mind

Don't leave me

It's dark in here alone

I love you

I'm scared

In the world unknown

You don't care unless I'm gone

Or when I'm standing next to you

Why is it so different when we touch

Why must it be the only thing that you can feel

I love you

I said I love

Listen to me stop skipping words

Whispering my phone

I hope you change your mind in the morning

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RHello.

I really, really, really want to leave

all the time

I wish my boyfriend would travel with me to wherever I go

And that thing's would be easier with him when we travel rather than more expensive and whatever

I'm a little sad right now

I'm kind of lonely laying down in bed...

I am speaking into my phone rather than typing and that makes things seem a little bit more depressing

Maybe it's because I can hear my own voice

Saying these words

Knowing that no one is listening

And that no one will reply

Sometimes I worry that andrew and I will break up

I can imagine that happening and it's really sad

Because I love him, you know?

But I really do like being carefree, or at least trying to be carefree

I do like the idea of going where I want to on a whim because tickets are cheap

Or if something interesting happening

I'm 18 now feel so young

There's just so many choices in life so many things to learn about

Every house is different so what kind do I want to live in?

I like animals but then remember how they hinder my plans of travel

I bet kyle would have taken that dog to china though

I really like the idea of being alone but only if I'm surrounded by temporary friends

I don't like the idea of long term committed friendships

Sure, I have some regular friends

But sometimes I feel obligated to continue talking to them on a regular basis online or through texting

I do that with andrew. I should really stop

Didn't I tell myself I would not be so dependent?

Maybe when I come back from spain I will stop playing magic too

Nevermind, I am sad. I should stop talking when I'm sad

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"Capture the Princess"

I'm a princess in his eyes

Time for something crazy planned

Someone and I had a dream about each other last night.
How odd...
We must miss each other.

Just imagined how easy it would be to hack into my ex's accounts and buy something expensive

Then I thought of how much bad karma that'd be

Idk why. That was random. I don't even hate Tommy

Goodnight

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I miss sleeping with my boyfriend

But I don't think he likes cuddling with me.

I mean, would we sleep together I hold on to him

And sometimes I turn around and expect him to hold on to me

But he really doesn't do that unless he's awake or if I put his arm on me

It's kinda weird to me because I'm used to being a human pillow with extra characteristics

I just want to feel loved, you know?

I'm sure everyone does

I just need more attention than everyone

Also, I'm sad now... so I guess I'll just go to sleep

Good night, Andrew. I love you.

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"Ugh... why do I have to keep blowing my nose?!?!?!"

"It's because you're allergic to cats....."

"Ohhhh... stupid shirt. I'm too lazy to change."

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I'm going to miss not being 18 anymore in four and a half months ish. I'm so young!

My boyfriend is turning 27

My friends can all drink

But at least

I can walk into a club... xD

Oh well.

I love Andrew. :)

<3

I would like to watch a meteor shower with Andrew.

Also

I think someone is back in the United States.

Also

I will be out of the United States.

And

I just sneezed.

It felt amazing.

I fell in love with the perfect boy
He was everything I wanted to be
I was infatuated and filled with joy
Even when I learned that he lied to me.

Sexy skin, dark blonde hair
A musician who could understand
Young and wise without any care
Maybe he would lend a hand

I was so naive, only seventeen
But I could rule the world!
When together life was serene
Until the truths unfurled

His yellow grin was filled with smoke
I used to kiss and cough
I grew sick and then would choke
By then he had gone off

...

I don't know where I'm going with this

I can't even play my guitar now or anything because everyone's asleep.