pretty sure my past wants me to think I am who I wanted to be

The guy I'll be staying with in Spain is really handsome. *sigh* That's going to be so annoying.

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Cheesecake and roses and text that stood for nothing.

No one cared about those galoshes

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I bet it's difficult to find a man as satisfying as Andrew is.

I love him. <3

I kind of feel sick to my stomach.

I'll admit it

planning ahead usually does make me feel better because it seems like I have something to fall back onto no matter what random, crazy things I want to do.

God

I really just want to move out

Or at least be alone or something

My mom has so many houses

I was going to move into one of them

but 

I don't know

I don't really want to be connected or dependent on my parents

I completely understand that they just want the best for me

but

I feel like I'm going to waste my years of youth

I don't know...

I don't know anything

Yeah, I want to be accepted into a medical school

but I want to have peace and quiet too

and I want to be able to spend time with my boyfriend.

Right now my environment is just awful

I've chosen to go out rather than studying

Every single day my grandmother blares her stupid Asian drama on the big screen TV

and my four little cousins run around the house screaming at 7AM and when they come back from school..

I just dream of being able to go to class from 10-3 and working from 4-8 during weekdays or something.

I want to wake up at a reasonable time and sleep by 1 or 2.

I'd like to be able to study and relax when I get home

so much.

I'd love that so much.

I really just want to live biking distance from UCF.

I've been looking into East Lake apartments

It's right on Dean and University

20-30 min on bike to UCF

It's $604 a month

but I'd really like to buy a house...

Let's see

If I work 20 hours a week 

for $8 an hour

that's only $160 a week

which is $640 a month.

Ugh.

Forget about it.

Will everything be okay if I make two D's?

I'm so depressed.

Fuck... everything.

Can I just run away or something?

Can I please just get another chance to start over?

I don't know what to do.

Will grades really affect that much?

Should I let them affect me now?

I started writing a song today

but my throat hurts

so I stopped

instead I'm just going to write a poem

and maybe sing to it later??

~~~

Though my head says no

My heart won’t let you go

You’re a sower of temptation

Or an angel of restoration

You make me want a simple life

When I started out with an iron will and strife

I don’t know which way to turn

Do I rest or do I let my soul burn

He told me I'd be great but I was lead astray

Now I hear voices from the void telling me to stay

I'm slowly being turned inside out

and am too stubborn to find an escape route

Maybe I'll be happy, I'm not sure

But I'm tempted by mystery and deadly allure

Out of all the beautiful girls people know, I'm the one who's left an impression on these people. I must be so special. Is it that fake gypsy inside of me? Or how no one knows me, not even myself, because I keep changing my mind? Sure, I'm kinda cute but I'm not beautiful. Even I know that. I just wonder why sometimes people love me so. Is it to make up for something?

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Nick is the best thing that's happened to me since el;fja;lewf left.

Then Andrew is probably the best thing to have happened to me since Nick

ha

so yeah

I love my life.

<3

I just want to sing around and dance because my day is made. n_n

I wonder how much he paid for those tickets.....

Ha. Wow. Nick just totally made me day.

I was sad earlier. I really was, but...

I just love getting spoiled!!!

Wow.

Geez.

I'm happy. :)

I think I lied about Lion King being ~$300

More like ~$150

IN THE CENTER.

I'm going to Austins tomorrow

Instead of hoping to randomly see whatshisface again I would just like to get my Magic cards and leave

actually

I would really like to see Arthur again

that's be nice

there's something about him that I really like

he's a very smily person I think

who knows when to be bothered or annoyed but is nice about it

I like that.

Hm.

I will also probably do some homework

<3

I think I need to talk to Nick now

I'm excited about the Lion King on Broadway

let's see what happens

my sister said tickets were almost $300 a pop

Once I went to Kobes for lunch with Tyler. The bill was only $16 and he tipped $5 so I thought "Good on him!"

Also, Kobes for lunch is delicious

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Remember that moment

the bump on the road

when my hand leapt up

before grazing yours

So you smiled and smirked

"You must be quite scared

to hold on my hand"

The guys then laughed out

so I pulled away

"I don't like you."

It was just the other day I was mad at my own little sister and I didn't even care enough to notice if anything was wrong.

god

I remember when I used to believe in "God"

in fact

I think that doing the sign of the cross is still comforting from habitual learning and responses

things in life are becoming much more frustrating than they should be

I don't doubt that I'll develop schizophrenia or something

*sigh*

at least whatever mental illness I develop

it won't be terminal

like everyone else's sicknesses

that they can't control

that none of them deserve

I'm just sitting here

just this selfish little brat

and life's not fair

and I don't feel like there's anything I can do to help

What am I going to attempt?

Find cures for 10 billion types of cancer before they all die?

Fuck it

I might as well give up now

There's nothing useful to learn here

;alwej;alwkjetawitgjaw;oekldmvc

*sob*

Remember when I'd dress up really cutely

and had blonde hair

and drove a Corvette

and drove out to the Atheist meetings

and right after that would go to Austins

and god... life was great

and the next day I was spoiled to death

I was just appreciated so much

like

it...

was great.

Geez.

I miss being 17!

Why does it seem like forever

It's funny how predictable I am.

HAHAHAHAH

not really

I don't like feeling like the average 18 year old girl!

But anyway

I wish my family would stop watching those Asian dramas.

I have fat fingers

size 7 I think

everyone else in my family has size 5 fingers 

-_-

but I am bigger than them

om nom nom nom

Why am I listening to gross pretty boy music like Hello Goodbye and Hoosiers?

I feel especially pretty today.

Today I was going to take off the ring on my left hand

there's a tan line there.

I've worn it for a while...

I don't want to take it off

I know I should

I suppose there's some subconscious reason for me wearing it

I used to wear my ex's sapphire and diamond ring there turned around so it looked like a wedding band

and sometimes try on the engagement ring he was paying for

Yeah, I'm going to wear this ring on my right hand now

I'm just very frustrated right now

I like men who make me feel good about myself and treat me like I'm special

Today I got a hug and it felt really good

I hardly know the guy but he was very friendly and asked for a hug

I know I'll never see him again, but that was very random

At the time I was also very frustrated with my chemistry hw >_>

Ugh

I hate my church

Fuck

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I hate being fucked out by my own sister. Fucking blackmail. How could she hurt me like that? It's so insane! And the only reason is because she's LAZY.

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I like feeling loved...

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I used to want to be married at Disney's castle like a princess...

Then I wanted a small wedding at a church

then I wanted to go somewhere far away and get married spontaneously

keep it a secret for  a while...

then later plan a reception

ha.

I used to want to be married by 22 because that's in the year 2015 and I like numbers that are multiples of 5, and that was the earliest one

then I was like

maybe I'll be married and have children by the time I'm 28

I pretty much don't care now

maybe I'll never get married

I think it only mattered to me so much before was because I was Catholic

Went to church every week, volunteered, prayed

I tried converting my ex for three years or so but then the last year I was in college and my world was rocked!

ha

oh man

hm

life is fun

you never know what to expect :)

I'm pretty much in love

I kind of want to move out

it'd be nice

but I wonder how my family would treat me

I don't want them to totally disown me

I just like being partially separated from them...

I'd like to live near UCF

or maybe near Austins

...

I just hate the idea of renting because I'd rather buy a house

Especially with the first time home buyer deals out now

and idk

.....

blah

Why am I even thinking about this?

I'll probably figure it out once I come back from Spain

more than likely I will look for a job right away

no matter how crappy

because face it

I like money

Ha

it's been a month or so since I've had around $20 or so to my name

blech

..... <3

I miss coffee houses

The taste of smoke

The sound of hip hop

And the feeling of being that special girl someone's willing to wait for and hope to have

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I kept a lot of secrets from Tommy.

Anyway

I was wondering why I played Magic tonight

I'll probably convince myself to stop once I'm in Spain

I was going to stop early December

My first planned trip to Spain

Also

Why don't I have Jeffrey Maxwell yet with blah

17 was so good!

So good

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I wish Google Buzz was still live so I can posts secrets that only true stalkers read.

Like...

how I wish...

Oh never mind

I'll find another place to post my secrets online

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Once upon a time a princess was wandering by
A handsome rogue then smiled, for he was very sly
"Come with me, your highness. I can make you happy."
"Okie" she said to him "You better make it snappy!"
In his house they roamed talking about the unknown
Until he realized his fear of being alone
The charlatan had changed, his soul had been warmed
And though against his wishes, attachments had been formed
"I wish you could spend the night" he whispered softly to the girl
For she was like a treasure, like a diamond or a pearl.
Though she loved him so she had heard this many times before
So many boys had loved her, so many hearts she tore
And off she left head held high for he had been defeated
The goal of being loved had quickly been completed
For the princess was the sly one, though seemingly naive
All she wanted was attention and attention she did receive.




.... This isn't about you.

<3

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GODDAMMIT I WANT CHOCOLATE SO BADLY

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH

I NEED SOMETHING SWEET

OR ELSE I WILL GO INSANE

I HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY

BUT I'M NOT HUNGRY

BUT I WANT CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!

...

*sigh*

I've been stuck home all day too

I would feel like a loser

but I wrote a song today

so not bad

I'm so out of touch with music though

I can hardly play the guitar now

and my fingers are so soft

my left hand fingers used to be calloused

ha

oh

it's just proof of how Magic doesn't take any work

I guess

idk

there's an analogy somewhere in there

I love white boys

like Andrew Wilson!

I love him

:)

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*complaints*

Thinking about dying in half

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12,000 Views and counting... slowly

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nothing interesting has happened in my life.

I am no longer sneaking away from school to taste a bit of freedom

where I'm able to run in the sprinklers and hide behind the sanctity of the coffee house.

I no longer feel light nor at peace being the carefree and naive listener I once was

There is no sense in the world except for where I stand

I contributed

I was important

Those little details in life mattered

Whether it was the giddiness I felt from being able to borrow a pencil from the boy in black sitting across from me

Or because I had finally escaped to the wooden playground which focused on physics

Awkward instances transformed into lively memories which created joy to those who would read them

That doesn't happen anymore

Emotions

Little bits of hopelessness

Illogical ideas

Interests have dwindled because everyone notices what is happening to me

That mysterious little girl who once was compared to a meerkat is no longer focused

Why?

I wish I could write about each day like it was an adventure

How long has it been since I've followed a routine?

Most of me now wills to strive for a certain success

So simple...

And not very daring.

I now fear how painful hunger will be

how uncomfortable uncleanliness will feel

I can try to be bright

Once I fake something long enough I will become who I want to be

A theory I've believed for a while now

One of the best things in life I have is this memory

It's a silly one of course

Once upon a time I was with this boy

a challenge

an attempt to change him and be changed

alas, it was a blazing hot summer

and his friend was throwing a party

the slip n slide was purchased and we were alone

"Why not test it out now?" we thought

so we had a small contest of blowing the floaties, who could do it the fastest

Surprisingly, the chainsmoker won

But it was because I was clueless

I didn't know I had to pinch the damn opening to inflate those devices

We connected the long yellow tarp-like, but extremely, slippery material to the hose

and some friends came by

Suddenly we all stripped and had a blast.

I came home late that night

My curfew was before the sun sets

My undergarments were soaked and my hair was stringy

But I had so much fun and won't ever regret it.

Nothing bad happened

the only thing slightly sad was that attachments were being formed

I just let it happen for the good memories

I used to think that was the key to happiness

A good life included good memories

Now that I'm older

And a bit lonelier I suppose

I feel that a good life is living in the present

That seems hypocritical of me

But...

I need a break

I'd like to throw out the excuse that I'm tired.

That's why I'm trying to live life again!

Summer is coming soon.

How exciting.

I will be loved once more

and smiles will be caused by me.

How will I take over-

I mean save...

the world if I go on living unnoticed?

Mm... I love the mystery but let the truth unfold once I feel old please

I've been hearing the word across the street

That you're the guy every girl should meet

You'll change their lives and put them to work

You'll woo their hearts with your.charming quirk

That shaggy hair and dirty eyes

What a wicked way to hypnotize

None of them fight, they all are blind

But not me, I'm one of a kind

Sure I'm nice and take part of your game

But only because it's a step towards fame

Your smile is toothy, your grin is yellow

I've already resisted your kind of fellow

People say you're experienced and wise

When you're actually a young fool in a transparent disguise

Ones and zeroes, zeroes and ones

Well chosen words and almost witty puns

You can go back home now, you're getting old

I've already heard of the story being told

To take over the world and show them peace

It's actually your mind that should rest at least

Well, my eyes are tired and I need to sleep

Don't bothering saying sorry, you're in too deep.

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