"You can't save 'em all..."

I didn't realize I was part of " them all." 

why

I cried outside for hours, but how could you know

I kept to myself and purposely endured the cold

Anything, any level

Dear Lord distract me from my pain

Everything hurts, everywhere, all at once

I tried to run away

I tried to hide

I covered myself up and laid in a corner

Where the unliving concrete pulled away my heat, the entirety of my soul, into its hardened frozen surface

It beat me

I beat me

Over and over again, more and more forcefully

I slam my head against the glass railing of the balcony I'm on

I stare blankly down the street, waiting to die while I try not to lose an earbud

Not again

Not another one lost

My vision blurs, I don't need to blink

The tears draining are enough

Nothing makes sense. My heart hurts. I feel nothing but pain. Physical pain that manifests itself into unknown emotions I cannot process. 

I hate this. Help.

Help help help help. I need help. 

Help help help help. 

I call out for help so much without reply

Help help help help

What does what I want, need, even sound like anymore

Why do I want help I never get

It's because I am a desperate human

Programmed, built, born specifically this way

Why

I am hopeless and stubborn, why can't I give up

Why don't I give up

Somebody, somewhere

Let me be free

I cannot go out on my own 

Every time I try my BODY reminds me that it will fight against my wishes

I vomit every drug and pill

I feel ANXIOUS with a gun to my head because how tf am I going to do this right and who will double check???

I try to drown, inhale the water, my lungs and brain sear with pain as I search for air without thought

Why why why

I am forever in love with myself and those who love me

The worst part about LSD is that when I come back down I'm aware of all the pain I'm in again 

Diary entry: July 31, 2023

I am the villain. I am the villain. I am the villain. I have to remember that. I'm the hero too. I am the victim. But it is way too easy to forget that I am also the villain. 

It's kinda shitty reminding myself so often, but it's kind of developed into the habit that "most successfully" helps me realize what I need to improve about myself: traits, line of thinking, people in my life...

And I deeply embrace happiness while it's there. I soak it all in and savor it. I prolong its stay with preposterous and alluring ignorance, blissfully and willfully as they say. 

Because even though I never know when it'll return, I know it will. That's why I'm getting better. I just forget about the part where it may not return for me.

I *feel* so lucid. My mental faculties are not in decline, my thoughts are coherent. But on the outside looking in and down on me it seems as if my actions are more out there. I think I am done for now. It's just that... idk... I'm at breakfast now... at my hotel in Barcelona, Spain... not for Magic but I suppose that's just another fucking lie.

I like to pretend that the best people whether they exist or not are the happiest.

I've been so uninspired lately

From you draining my dreams

Tracing my steps through the fog

I know things will never end

This will never change

And I am solely your comforting spirit

I have no person to call my own

I have lost myself and instead

I follow in your shadow

I don't feel anymore for I have been trained

To not care about myself unless you do

I'm am only empathetic towards you

I am getting old

Time has passed

Is it worth it to be alive?

Forever in between

It doesn't matter anyway

There is no worse hell

A year of bliss before the world was amiss

I remember loving you

Then came the gloom of impending doom

My dear, you knew yet slewed

Can you give me someone who is loving and kind and infinitely patient

Who is understanding and romantic and gentle and sweet

Soft touches against my face

Pushing my hair back behind my ears 

Cuddles on the couch and in bed

Hugs and holding onto me while we stand

Sways that remind me of romance

I want you, prince charming

I need you now

Are you real? 

How much work is it to find you

Maybe I'll never know 

Man, my depression sucks

I miss feeling confident, comfortable, and loved

Now I'm afraid, anxious, and worried

It's not the same, it's not the same anymore

And it'll never be the same and I don't know what to do

I don't want to feel so sad anymore

I don't want to remember the past and what you've done

I wish I felt like I was enough for you

But I'm not. And I don't know if I'll ever be

I want to be someone's world

Who loves me as much as I love them

To fight in showing each other who cares more 

I want to feel grateful and thankful for having them in my life

I hate feeling like everything is so uncertain

It's not fair

You will never be who I want you to be

And I will forever be obsessively clingy

I want you to be truly regretful so badly

I want you to only want me 

I want to be healed

I don't wanna feel broken anymore

I've always been broken

And if I weren't

You truly broke me

I don't know if I can take this any longer 

Let alone feel this way forever

I wish you could understand me so badly

I wish you could understand

Please

Feel what I feel

I'm sad

I don't want to love you anymore

I don't want to love you anymore

I want you to be who you are not

I want you to beg me for forgiveness

I want you to regret what you've done

I don't want to love you anymore

We're not as happy as we used to be 

Do you love love?

The warmth and safety it offers

The comfort another brings

The opportunity to work on something greater

To be fulfilled in life together

Trust, support, understanding

Do you love love?

The potential for coldness and pain

The anger stoked by the spurned

The effort needed to continue

The risk of realizing true loneliness 

Resentment, revenge, regret

Sure, I'll be in love. 

We should just break up

I'm not worth it to you

And I never will be

We should break up

I want you to regret

How little effort you put

We should break up

So I can be happier faster

To be truly loved and accepted

We should break up

Because whether you miss me or not

It will be worth it

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't value me until I'm gone

And I don't want to be with someone who never values me enough

We should break up

But I'm banking on that lotto ticket

That you will change for me and I for you

What's the price I pay? 

Another year of my life? Losing more opportunities for happiness? I'm risking it all and giving myself up because I'm an optimist.

I miss not feeling.

I miss not loving someone.

And now I miss you. 

I am stronger than I should be

It has never been fair

I suppose my fate was sealed to be born this way

But I wasn't born smart enough to mitigate the pain

I keep making mistake after mistake

I'm accepting how I feel and am treated

I am stuck 

I want to write, but I won't

I want to do everything, but I don't

I want you to know, but I shouldn't

I want this, but I wouldn't 

I want that, but I couldn't

I don't want anything anymore.

I say goodbye to the world

And then go straight to sleep

I say goodbye to the world

And do nothing but cry

I say goodbye to this world

And count out the pills

I say goodbye to this world

And sit in my car

I say goodbye to this world

And stay out in the cold

I say goodbye to this world

And no longer eat

I say goodbye to this world

I no longer talk

I think goodbye to this world

And live like a goddamn zombie

Why do I have be the one to leave

I say goodbye to you

What can even make me happy anymore? Just the times that I lie to myself and pretend that there's nothing there. Or the times that I forget it all, preoccupied with doing something else. I'm lying to myself just to even have a future. I like what I like, but it doesn't make me happy anymore. 

I wanna go out to eat, do drugs, see musicals, be impulsive, take the risk. I want to drive for a while when it's late and find somewhere I can place my picnic blanket so we can cuddle and worry about getting hypothermia. Or we can pack our bags and fly to somewhere random hoping for the best. Or we can find a log cabin, walk around for five minutes, and enjoy the quietness. Or go on a boat! I'd love to sail and get stuck. Let's do something we've never done or have never thought of before.

I miss who I was and who I want to be. 

I thought dating you presented such opportunity.

But it didn't. 

I'm stuck now.

Because I think I'm in love. 

I'm stuck now

In a lovely home 

With no friends

No money of my own 

No confidence

No hope

Just alone. 

I need you, but I don't want to.

Can you at least acknowledge that? 

Wish I could forgive you

Or forget everything

I just want something to change

Dear god, please let time do its thing

Please, please, I beg of you

Let time make me change 

Why did you have to make me smile

And tell me that's all you need

Why did you have to make me laugh

Promising never to impede

Why did you make me feel at home and safe

I felt like I'd been freed

Why did you feed me, love me, and respect me

Just to greed, recede, and mislead me

I loved you and it will never be the same

My heart will always, and I mean always, bleed 

If sorry was forever

I'd never lie again

If sorry was forever

I'd really try my best

If sorry was forever

I could love you

I thought that smile was mine

I thought I made you happy

So it turns out that I do

But you want so much more

Can you make me happy too? 

What a gamble you took

To have it all

Already imagining your riches

What a high price for a ticket

If only I walked away 

Revenge.

Don't do it.