"You can't save 'em all..."

I didn't realize I was part of " them all." 

why

I cried outside for hours, but how could you know

I kept to myself and purposely endured the cold

Anything, any level

Dear Lord distract me from my pain

Everything hurts, everywhere, all at once

I tried to run away

I tried to hide

I covered myself up and laid in a corner

Where the unliving concrete pulled away my heat, the entirety of my soul, into its hardened frozen surface

It beat me

I beat me

Over and over again, more and more forcefully

I slam my head against the glass railing of the balcony I'm on

I stare blankly down the street, waiting to die while I try not to lose an earbud

Not again

Not another one lost

My vision blurs, I don't need to blink

The tears draining are enough

Nothing makes sense. My heart hurts. I feel nothing but pain. Physical pain that manifests itself into unknown emotions I cannot process. 

I hate this. Help.

Help help help help. I need help. 

Help help help help. 

I call out for help so much without reply

Help help help help

What does what I want, need, even sound like anymore

Why do I want help I never get

It's because I am a desperate human

Programmed, built, born specifically this way

Why

I am hopeless and stubborn, why can't I give up

Why don't I give up

Somebody, somewhere

Let me be free

I cannot go out on my own 

Every time I try my BODY reminds me that it will fight against my wishes

I vomit every drug and pill

I feel ANXIOUS with a gun to my head because how tf am I going to do this right and who will double check???

I try to drown, inhale the water, my lungs and brain sear with pain as I search for air without thought

Why why why

I am forever in love with myself and those who love me

The worst part about LSD is that when I come back down I'm aware of all the pain I'm in again 

Diary entry: July 31, 2023

I am the villain. I am the villain. I am the villain. I have to remember that. I'm the hero too. I am the victim. But it is way too easy to forget that I am also the villain. 

It's kinda shitty reminding myself so often, but it's kind of developed into the habit that "most successfully" helps me realize what I need to improve about myself: traits, line of thinking, people in my life...

And I deeply embrace happiness while it's there. I soak it all in and savor it. I prolong its stay with preposterous and alluring ignorance, blissfully and willfully as they say. 

Because even though I never know when it'll return, I know it will. That's why I'm getting better. I just forget about the part where it may not return for me.

I *feel* so lucid. My mental faculties are not in decline, my thoughts are coherent. But on the outside looking in and down on me it seems as if my actions are more out there. I think I am done for now. It's just that... idk... I'm at breakfast now... at my hotel in Barcelona, Spain... not for Magic but I suppose that's just another fucking lie.

I like to pretend that the best people whether they exist or not are the happiest.

I've been so uninspired lately

From you draining my dreams

Tracing my steps through the fog

I know things will never end

This will never change

And I am solely your comforting spirit

I have no person to call my own

I have lost myself and instead

I follow in your shadow

I don't feel anymore for I have been trained

To not care about myself unless you do

I'm am only empathetic towards you

I am getting old

Time has passed

Is it worth it to be alive?

Forever in between

It doesn't matter anyway

There is no worse hell

A year of bliss before the world was amiss

I remember loving you

Then came the gloom of impending doom

My dear, you knew yet slewed