why

I cried outside for hours, but how could you know

I kept to myself and purposely endured the cold

Anything, any level

Dear Lord distract me from my pain

Everything hurts, everywhere, all at once

I tried to run away

I tried to hide

I covered myself up and laid in a corner

Where the unliving concrete pulled away my heat, the entirety of my soul, into its hardened frozen surface

It beat me

I beat me

Over and over again, more and more forcefully

I slam my head against the glass railing of the balcony I'm on

I stare blankly down the street, waiting to die while I try not to lose an earbud

Not again

Not another one lost

My vision blurs, I don't need to blink

The tears draining are enough

Nothing makes sense. My heart hurts. I feel nothing but pain. Physical pain that manifests itself into unknown emotions I cannot process. 

I hate this. Help.

Help help help help. I need help. 

Help help help help. 

I call out for help so much without reply

Help help help help

What does what I want, need, even sound like anymore

Why do I want help I never get

It's because I am a desperate human

Programmed, built, born specifically this way

Why

I am hopeless and stubborn, why can't I give up

Why don't I give up

Somebody, somewhere

Let me be free

I cannot go out on my own 

Every time I try my BODY reminds me that it will fight against my wishes

I vomit every drug and pill

I feel ANXIOUS with a gun to my head because how tf am I going to do this right and who will double check???

I try to drown, inhale the water, my lungs and brain sear with pain as I search for air without thought

Why why why