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I bother my boyfriend too much. o_o

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Anyway, time has passed and I'm happy

You know what's weird? That I've dated Andrew for nearly six months now.

SIX MONTHS

Jesus Christ

I think I hung out with #*$-%+# for barely a month and a half and I've only gone on dates with boys

It's so hard to believe that so much time has passed.

I'm still 18 though.

My feelings are basically the same for Andrew since I became comfortable with him

It's just weird. Ha

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Huh. I jus found this draft I wrote weeks ago:

I had a short mental breakdown today.

I kind of just sat in the school bathroom and cried for a few minutes.

Actually, I'm doing that now.

There are just so many problems I can't solve

So that's why I try not to care about them and move on to what I can change

And I should change so much

Now that everything that is happening is happening

You always hear about how the weight of mistakes increase as you get older

But I really didn't expect to feel them so hard

It hurts

I'm just rambling nonsense now

Don't listen to me

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I'm the worst girlfriend ever horrible listener >_< I feel so bad

"I want to dream and start over My time awake is not worth anything anymore Everything is gone The ground The love The money... No time to have fun Why would one survive and not live? I want to dream."

Jesus Christ I've never been more disappointed in myself

Usually proposals don't make me cry but the lesbian one I just saw did it was so cute :')

love Carl Sagan

 me:  I want to be like Ellie

 Andrew:  

Who is Ellie?

 me:  from Up

 Andrew:  ohh

so let me get this straight

you want to dream of adventure

then get married

never adventure

or have kids

then die

only to miss your husband having a grand adventure without you?

 me:  no

more like

that driven to be adventurous

taking the good things in life

enjoy my time with my husband

understand how good I have it

and put it all in my childhood book

~~~~~

"Ellie is the girl every single guy has fallen in love with, some of us over and over and over again. Guys dream Ellies." 

Catherine sat alone in her corner, holding onto the teddy bear that she always remembered having. For some reason that old, fuzzy thing always made her smile, almost reflexively. Then as a habit her brain would read her automatic grin as a sign of happiness, which then sent those right and good chemicals everyone learns about in high school throughout her body, making her feel better. Catherine couldn't recall any memories that would cause this, she wasn't going to question it though. She liked holding onto her teddy.

She would sit there for so long, face buried into that bear. She was waiting to grow up. Some of the neighbors thought she was wasting her time, but this little six year old knew better. When she's older she'll live her life more than anyone else.

Also, I've been writing little random excerpts for a short animated film I want to make some day.

It'll be called Catherine

that's her name

I kinda like it a lot, mostly because I was a bit inspired by The Fountainhead's Catherine

only a little bit

anyway

yeah.

Catherine

~~~~~~~

Random 1:  Little Catherine's Story

Within these pages are the excerpts of Little Catherine's life, a withdrawn little girl living alone in her dark mansion. Have you ever wondered what goes on in the mind of someone so misunderstood?

wahhhhhh

it breaks my heart to see a broken heart

:'(((((

poor kid

How would you feel if I said "Let's get married and run away?"

Would you say "...Okay."

"Yes!"

or politely decline?

Hm...

I wouldn't be surprised if that happened to me or if I did that.

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I used to have a pet kitten

it was black and very cute

sooooo tiny

it lived behind Austins

It was before I met cat guy

but I'm pretty sure I named the kitten Maxwell

I named everything after Max

ha

anyway

it used to be so scared of people

but I got it to like me

this is what I basically did the first times I saw it

stand still

inch closer

stand still

inch closer

until I finally touched it!

:)

I petted it and it was so tiny and cute

and then after that it followed me a bit

then when I started going to Austins regularly I just had to stick my hand out and it'd come to me and rub its head on my hand :)

it only came out at night though

that cat must have been bad luck

'cause I met cat man right after that

ha

ugh

I've never liked cats

until recently-ish

from last year or so when I started going on Reddit and 4Chan as well as talk to you know who who is very similar to a cat

weird guy

anyway

I'm at my gramma's house now

from my dad's side

and she's a cat lady

ever since I was a baby I was allergic to cats

and she's had like 14-20 at one point

it was crazy

and gross

ugh....

I was so scared of them as a child

I was scratched my them so I always wore jeans and a jacket

they're alright now

probably only six

they're not in the house anymore

but

a lot has changed over the last few years

I can deal with cats

for instance

Finkel's cats were so luxurious

ha

well, Elspeth was so beautiful

ha

g2g now

people are talking to me

also, I'm studying chemistry

Oh god... my grades are slipping.

I need 80s on my next three exams in order to earn a 70 in the class.

YIKES!!!

i'm so worried about my gpa

i really think i need to turn my life around

i'm so scared

:(

Although I really like anniversaries for every six months I don't like bothering people about them. When I was in high school I did. I remember nagging Tommy about it.

I didn't get him anything, but he did manage to make me a gold bracelet.

It's beautiful, but I never wear it.

I miss high school.

I was 14 then, when I got the bracelet.

Life was so easy.

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Andrew's like a very close version to the ideal guy a girl would want for as a sexual partner. Ha

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I feel bad for ugly guys

At least average guys can be attractive with a great personality

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Yay!!!! I'm so proud of myself.

I accomplished piano, food and homework.

:)

dammit. spelled "faring" like "fairing".

meh

oh well

Should I change tonight?

Am I really going to do it?

Do I have the willpower

to stop everything I've done for the last few months

and make a difference

to revert back to the old me I was going to be

that image I'd taken so many months to create

Do I want her back?

Yes.

Yes I do

False happiness

Fake people

after a while these things become a reality

so why not aim for them?

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I enjoy having my boyfriend on the phone because it's pretty comforting even though I really hate to admit that. I miss him a lot.

Today I feel like I should be miserable alone.

Maybe it's because of the weather too.

I hope he calls.

I haven't decided on what I'll do yet.

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I'm going to wallow in misery and pretend that I'm a successful lawyer. T_T

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It's weird to think that my 26 year old boyfriend is playing a game that I played when I was 14, but that was only like a few years ago for me but would have been three times as long ago for him.

Then again he's 8+ years older than me so... nothing really new here. Ha.

I love him.

I hope he likes Professor Layton!

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Mm... Max

I wish I could hear him speak again

and lecture about atheism.

I think I shall stalk his Facebook now

and read his lovely notes

Love

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I haven't spoken to Frank in forever. I want to be overly spoiled for a weekend. I need it. Kind of.

Alright

I just really want it

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I don't think about Kyle anymore.  I can't picture him and when I do it's not very pretty no matter how good the memories of him are.

I miss Tommy though. I think Bruce was right.

I really wish he was still my friend. I'm a good person... I really am.

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that coolstuff tourny series

I want to win so badly!

ha.

argh

so... close

yet so far :(

andrew wilson is a very nice guy

it's so nice to be comfortable around someone

i'd like to live with him

i can imagine it

he makes me happy

i like how he takes care of me

i like his arms and lying down with him

and when he smiles

yeap

i love andrew

he's great

i miss him right now

I'd like to fall asleep while cuddling with him

while he watches his shows or whatever

Ugh..... white trash. Ha

don't get me wrong

there are some nice folk

eh.

I don't feel like explaining

My life doesn't feel real.

I'm not who I want to be anymore.

Once in a while I'll make a snarky remark

Thinking about how obvious it is

Old Nhi is trying to escape

and she's really upset

Help me.

Maybe I should go rockclimbing

Or kayaking

Or SOMETHING

do you think it's healthy to suppress a young and adventurous spirit for a couple more months?

I should quit caring so much about the upcoming Magic tournaments

I just need to get to Spain

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Can you remember me?

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I think I only did extremely well in AP Chem because I had a crush on my teacher.

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Blah. Ramen for three days. I think I'll go to Panera for lunch tomorrow. I haven't seen Nick in a month! Ha. I told him I'd be scarce. Friends are difficult. Kind of. Actually, I'm just difficult.

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