When I cough the fits start

No more control 

I lose myself as I'm thrown out of my body

I gasp for air but my breath is shallow 

It's not enough 

So I heave 

I need to expel everything from my lungs

I need to breathe 

The sharp intake desperately imbibes what it can

My lungs full of water, mucus, pus expand and try to break free

But it comes in too quickly 

My lungs do not feel my other body parts

But they sure do feel the lungs making its way

Taking up space

But that unexpected reflexive breath for air

Pays no mind to my ribs 

Does not know my throat exists 

Is not part of my digestive system 

The need for air now overwrites all other functions 

So I swallow down more liquids 

I cough up what I can from my lungs

The first breath wasn't enough 

I cough again 

This time an even bigger breath

And I am drowning 

There is a film of phlegm which blocks my airways that has been intimately felt with each previous breath

But not this one 

This is the cough where I choke 

There's a reason why I choose to kill myself through drowning most often

This is how it's meant to be

Is it time!!!

Is it time for me to suddenly fall ill 

Do we all find out that it's terminal?

It's not my fault

Aw shucks, we tried!!!

But I'm just sick!!!

SICK!!!

I fade in and out of consciousness because god takes pleasure in reminding me that I will always feel pain when I'm awake 

Funny how I watch Death pass me by

I wanna kick rocks

And fall off a cliff

Into the sea which sprays and sears my sinuses as I die on impact 

I want to feel the rough salt carve paths through my brains as my head cracks from crashing forward into the ocean waves 

I want to be conscious as my neck snaps so I can be grateful for the upcoming release and peace 

I seek death 

I just don't have enough experience yet 

how

I'm so lonely. My heart hurts. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be alive. I don't want to think.

I'm so lonely. I want to disappear.

I spend so much of my time thinking about myself, praying for anyone at all to think of me.

Think of me. Help me. Do something. 

History.... no, no, no, no. History, no. Please.

1,000x

1,000 lives