Diary entry: July 31, 2023

I am the villain. I am the villain. I am the villain. I have to remember that. I'm the hero too. I am the victim. But it is way too easy to forget that I am also the villain. 

It's kinda shitty reminding myself so often, but it's kind of developed into the habit that "most successfully" helps me realize what I need to improve about myself: traits, line of thinking, people in my life...

And I deeply embrace happiness while it's there. I soak it all in and savor it. I prolong its stay with preposterous and alluring ignorance, blissfully and willfully as they say. 

Because even though I never know when it'll return, I know it will. That's why I'm getting better. I just forget about the part where it may not return for me.

I *feel* so lucid. My mental faculties are not in decline, my thoughts are coherent. But on the outside looking in and down on me it seems as if my actions are more out there. I think I am done for now. It's just that... idk... I'm at breakfast now... at my hotel in Barcelona, Spain... not for Magic but I suppose that's just another fucking lie.

I like to pretend that the best people whether they exist or not are the happiest.

I've been so uninspired lately

From you draining my dreams

Tracing my steps through the fog

I know things will never end

This will never change

And I am solely your comforting spirit

I have no person to call my own

I have lost myself and instead

I follow in your shadow

I don't feel anymore for I have been trained

To not care about myself unless you do

I'm am only empathetic towards you

I am getting old

Time has passed

Is it worth it to be alive?

Forever in between

It doesn't matter anyway

There is no worse hell

A year of bliss before the world was amiss

I remember loving you

Then came the gloom of impending doom

My dear, you knew yet slewed

Can you give me someone who is loving and kind and infinitely patient

Who is understanding and romantic and gentle and sweet

Soft touches against my face

Pushing my hair back behind my ears 

Cuddles on the couch and in bed

Hugs and holding onto me while we stand

Sways that remind me of romance

I want you, prince charming

I need you now

Are you real? 

How much work is it to find you

Maybe I'll never know 

Man, my depression sucks

I miss feeling confident, comfortable, and loved

Now I'm afraid, anxious, and worried

It's not the same, it's not the same anymore

And it'll never be the same and I don't know what to do

I don't want to feel so sad anymore

I don't want to remember the past and what you've done

I wish I felt like I was enough for you

But I'm not. And I don't know if I'll ever be

I want to be someone's world

Who loves me as much as I love them

To fight in showing each other who cares more 

I want to feel grateful and thankful for having them in my life

I hate feeling like everything is so uncertain

It's not fair

You will never be who I want you to be

And I will forever be obsessively clingy

I want you to be truly regretful so badly

I want you to only want me 

I want to be healed

I don't wanna feel broken anymore

I've always been broken

And if I weren't

You truly broke me

I don't know if I can take this any longer 

Let alone feel this way forever

I wish you could understand me so badly

I wish you could understand

Please

Feel what I feel

I'm sad

I don't want to love you anymore

I don't want to love you anymore

I want you to be who you are not

I want you to beg me for forgiveness

I want you to regret what you've done

I don't want to love you anymore

We're not as happy as we used to be