What can even make me happy anymore? Just the times that I lie to myself and pretend that there's nothing there. Or the times that I forget it all, preoccupied with doing something else. I'm lying to myself just to even have a future. I like what I like, but it doesn't make me happy anymore. 

I wanna go out to eat, do drugs, see musicals, be impulsive, take the risk. I want to drive for a while when it's late and find somewhere I can place my picnic blanket so we can cuddle and worry about getting hypothermia. Or we can pack our bags and fly to somewhere random hoping for the best. Or we can find a log cabin, walk around for five minutes, and enjoy the quietness. Or go on a boat! I'd love to sail and get stuck. Let's do something we've never done or have never thought of before.

I miss who I was and who I want to be. 

I thought dating you presented such opportunity.

But it didn't. 

I'm stuck now.

Because I think I'm in love. 

I'm stuck now

In a lovely home 

With no friends

No money of my own 

No confidence

No hope

Just alone. 

I need you, but I don't want to.

Can you at least acknowledge that? 

Wish I could forgive you

Or forget everything

I just want something to change

Dear god, please let time do its thing

Please, please, I beg of you

Let time make me change 

Why did you have to make me smile

And tell me that's all you need

Why did you have to make me laugh

Promising never to impede

Why did you make me feel at home and safe

I felt like I'd been freed

Why did you feed me, love me, and respect me

Just to greed, recede, and mislead me

I loved you and it will never be the same

My heart will always, and I mean always, bleed 

If sorry was forever

I'd never lie again

If sorry was forever

I'd really try my best

If sorry was forever

I could love you

I thought that smile was mine

I thought I made you happy

So it turns out that I do

But you want so much more

Can you make me happy too? 

What a gamble you took

To have it all

Already imagining your riches

What a high price for a ticket

If only I walked away 

Revenge.

Don't do it.