My fever is keeping me up tonight

And I have no other place to write

I'm calling for help, reaching my arms out, drowning

It's on you I'm counting

My rock, my anchor, I'm tied to you

I love you so much

I'm almost ready 

Forget me not

remember me

Xo, baby

---

I'm looking for the next happiest moment of my life

----

I dream about a cold winters eve with a fresh snowfall. I imagine a covered path beneath the trees.

Dragging my boots into the forest

I am lost

So I sleep

Please let me sleep 

---

 I don't want help from those people anymore. I wanna be left alone.

The days are so dark. There are so many of them. Is this what psychosis is like. Where the dreams are so real, but fuck, let me free! I don't want this anymore please. 

I'm begging for my life and my right to die. Why why why why 

It's not allowed! It's not allowed! I must wait.

I wait and wait and wait and wait. It consumes me. It consumes all of me. I'm in the dark right now. I'm waiting to be let out. I'm in the dark right now and when I'm out I wait and wait and wait and wait again! It always comes back. Because my mind... My mind is broken!

So help me! But it's hopeless. But I cry out in pain in desperation every time. So help me! But leave me alone. All I can do it wait. But don't leave me alone. Please don't leave me alone to my thoughts because then I'll go to the dark place. And I don't want to go to the dark place. I don't want to go to the dark place. Please. I want to escape.

What can I do but wait and escape and wait and escape. This isn't fair.

Suffering, let me disappear.

I want to be forgotten and go away. Erase this memory and this... this emotion I owe tying me down to this world. I'm so conflicted.. I think everything.

----

Let me scream and sleep and when I wake we start again. This cycle. 

 I can't explain too well. The desire to articulate my thoughts is great, but likely not very relatable. Or is it? My need, my need! I just need to be in control or else my mind becomes corrupted with my body soon to follow. What a toxic desire it is.

The intrusive thoughts don't stop. Make the voices stop. 

Sleep is the only reprieve I have from myself. 

Oh how I wish I could sleep forever.

Why don't I sleep forever? 

I need to talk to someone who needs me.

How sick it is I only live for power

Make it stop, make it stop

Why can't I just be nice to myself

 And suddenly I don't feel like I'm enough.

And I pray to God that he'll let me be, let me go. 

For crying out loud just say goodbye to me already. I don't need to leave but I want to 

--------

I love you. 

I whisper it to myself every night hoping that somehow you will feel me. 

I love you.

Is there a chance in hell that you'd feel the same way about me?

I love you.

Here I am being an uncontrollable mess again. What am I, fifteen?

I love you.

What I'd sacrifice for just one moment of passion. I need you to give in to me.

I love you.

I want this so bad, it's driving me mad, my obsession. I'm obsessed!

I love you.

I'm mad! I'm mad!

I don't love you. 

What are the right words for me to say.

I like you.

Sometimes.

All the time.

I want you.

For one moment.

Just give in.

I need the satisfaction to move on.

Don't say no.

No.

 If you don't manage to begin lucid dreaming, it's better to just wake up from your nightmare. Unfortunately I can't wake up. I am stuck. Help me. 

It's a New Day

I'm the same as always, yet better than before.

Oh how things have changed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel it in my soul, the love I want to give

Retaining some control, I make myself live

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