I didn't know you weren't mine

Til you weren't 

Then you went to the sky

And it hurt

Drugs are the lubricant to the metaphorical shards of the mirror that makes up my mind. How smooth the glass feels oiled up, but my are they still sharp. But it's too much, I'm doing too much, so I'm not doing enough. If I do enough drugs maybe I can bury my mind with them. My sanity is slipping, but I'm not sure of the direction. I have to choose. I'm not living. 

I should constantly be writing so that I will remain actively thinking as I run out of time like Alexander Hamilton. I need to remember how I want to be better. 

Dear god save my soul

Taking my life again's the greatest sin I know

Somewhere I've been poisoned and I can't find the source 

When I get like this over time it gets worse and worse 

Psychotic emotions rolling through me 

How am I so blind 

What is it those kind eyes see

What am I trying to find 

I'm looking dear god I'm looking 

I'm searching my with hands out front 

These people I took in

God I'm such a cunt 

I'm a desperate slave to needing love

Why must this part of humanity exist in me

I will never be free 

When I'm in bed sick all I can think about is how much I want to die.

How I cycle my thoughts on how to cope and say no

When I cough and choke, how does my body need air even more 

When I cough the fits start

No more control 

I lose myself as I'm thrown out of my body

I gasp for air but my breath is shallow 

It's not enough 

So I heave 

I need to expel everything from my lungs

I need to breathe 

The sharp intake desperately imbibes what it can

My lungs full of water, mucus, pus expand and try to break free

But it comes in too quickly 

My lungs do not feel my other body parts

But they sure do feel the lungs making its way

Taking up space

But that unexpected reflexive breath for air

Pays no mind to my ribs 

Does not know my throat exists 

Is not part of my digestive system 

The need for air now overwrites all other functions 

So I swallow down more liquids 

I cough up what I can from my lungs

The first breath wasn't enough 

I cough again 

This time an even bigger breath

And I am drowning 

There is a film of phlegm which blocks my airways that has been intimately felt with each previous breath

But not this one 

This is the cough where I choke 

There's a reason why I choose to kill myself through drowning most often

This is how it's meant to be

Is it time!!!

Is it time for me to suddenly fall ill 

Do we all find out that it's terminal?

It's not my fault

Aw shucks, we tried!!!

But I'm just sick!!!

SICK!!!

I fade in and out of consciousness because god takes pleasure in reminding me that I will always feel pain when I'm awake 

Funny how I watch Death pass me by

I wanna kick rocks

And fall off a cliff

Into the sea which sprays and sears my sinuses as I die on impact 

I want to feel the rough salt carve paths through my brains as my head cracks from crashing forward into the ocean waves 

I want to be conscious as my neck snaps so I can be grateful for the upcoming release and peace 

I seek death 

I just don't have enough experience yet 

how

I'm so lonely. My heart hurts. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be alive. I don't want to think.

I'm so lonely. I want to disappear.

I spend so much of my time thinking about myself, praying for anyone at all to think of me.

Think of me. Help me. Do something. 

History.... no, no, no, no. History, no. Please.

1,000x

1,000 lives

Why do I look at humanity so kindly?

While I do not care about the individual, I still defend the masses. 

The human experience encapsulates so much.

Those who are lucky will learn and feel the best parts more often.

And those who aren't will suffer from the annoyance built over misunderstanding. 

I've never had a relationship this good.

How lucky am I?

I am so madly in love with this human being.

Every night we are together I have the privilege of looking forward to when the whole world gently calms. When darkness loosely covers our room and nothing from the house can be heard, inner peace swiftly presents itself. Finally, you are with me. You see me, my smile, my eyes, my lips, my tits. You see all of me.

I cherish each sweet moment I can. I desperately want to savor every little detail that goes right and with you the mountain of memories made have propped you on a pedestal so tall that even a hushed whisper of your name towers over any doubt of your perfection. 

I love when I touch your face and you lean in for a kiss. I love how you can tell that I want to be kissed. I always want to be kissed. I love that I can kiss you now as you sleep next to me. 

I love that just looking up towards your sleeping face I felt the overwhelming motivation to write down my thoughts and express myself. 

I love who I am when I am with you. 

If only we learned before moving on

I'm hungry

I miss the way you'd fill my bowl

Infinite grains of wisdom

I miss the way you notched the knoll

You taught me how to live some

Do something, move up, go and make your mark

Since I am unhappy, I must not be that smart

Water runs though I am not cleaner

Sweat trickles through, my thoughts grow meaner

Darkness engulfs the room, I cannot see

Instead I feel, sense, and breathe

Increasing awareness, what surrounds me

Warm water

Cold air

Strange cars

A silence of an empty home

Who will remember this moment 

Rigid dimension

One place, one time, one way all aligns

A miniscule speck to move on from

I am stuck looking back, I am still here

Frozen

And so it goes, who will remember me

I am not alone, but I am lonely

I can breathe, but I am drowning

Enveloped by my thoughts, I cannot escape

I've been caught 

Someone read my broken mind and save me

I want to be saved 

I think I give up, but I shall try once more

It will happen again

The same situation and dynamic, I never learn

Doomed to repeat the cycle searching for what's not there

I should be alone

will is ready, emails set up, finances in order

it's never enough 

at this moment

i honestly dont wanna make it

What if I met you while alone

Would you want me then?

I'm giving myself up for a taste of happiness

I will give up my life 

I loved your eyes so much, you fuckin piece of shit. I hate you for wasting my life