When I cough the fits start
No more control
I lose myself as I'm thrown out of my body
I gasp for air but my breath is shallow
It's not enough
So I heave
I need to expel everything from my lungs
I need to breathe
The sharp intake desperately imbibes what it can
My lungs full of water, mucus, pus expand and try to break free
But it comes in too quickly
My lungs do not feel my other body parts
But they sure do feel the lungs making its way
Taking up space
But that unexpected reflexive breath for air
Pays no mind to my ribs
Does not know my throat exists
Is not part of my digestive system
The need for air now overwrites all other functions
So I swallow down more liquids
I cough up what I can from my lungs
The first breath wasn't enough
I cough again
This time an even bigger breath
And I am drowning
There is a film of phlegm which blocks my airways that has been intimately felt with each previous breath
But not this one
This is the cough where I choke
There's a reason why I choose to kill myself through drowning most often
This is how it's meant to be
