I should constantly be writing so that I will remain actively thinking as I run out of time like Alexander Hamilton. I need to remember how I want to be better. 

Dear god save my soul

Taking my life again's the greatest sin I know

Somewhere I've been poisoned and I can't find the source 

When I get like this over time it gets worse and worse 

Psychotic emotions rolling through me 

How am I so blind 

What is it those kind eyes see

What am I trying to find 

I'm looking dear god I'm looking 

I'm searching my with hands out front 

These people I took in

God I'm such a cunt 

I'm a desperate slave to needing love

Why must this part of humanity exist in me

I will never be free 

When I'm in bed sick all I can think about is how much I want to die.

How I cycle my thoughts on how to cope and say no

When I cough and choke, how does my body need air even more 

When I cough the fits start

No more control 

I lose myself as I'm thrown out of my body

I gasp for air but my breath is shallow 

It's not enough 

So I heave 

I need to expel everything from my lungs

I need to breathe 

The sharp intake desperately imbibes what it can

My lungs full of water, mucus, pus expand and try to break free

But it comes in too quickly 

My lungs do not feel my other body parts

But they sure do feel the lungs making its way

Taking up space

But that unexpected reflexive breath for air

Pays no mind to my ribs 

Does not know my throat exists 

Is not part of my digestive system 

The need for air now overwrites all other functions 

So I swallow down more liquids 

I cough up what I can from my lungs

The first breath wasn't enough 

I cough again 

This time an even bigger breath

And I am drowning 

There is a film of phlegm which blocks my airways that has been intimately felt with each previous breath

But not this one 

This is the cough where I choke 

There's a reason why I choose to kill myself through drowning most often

This is how it's meant to be

Is it time!!!

Is it time for me to suddenly fall ill 

Do we all find out that it's terminal?

It's not my fault

Aw shucks, we tried!!!

But I'm just sick!!!

SICK!!!